"He was a charlatan."

—The secret protects itself ... Earned achievement leads to happiness ... You don't know how much trust matters until it's not there – It's hard to repair ... If you hold a question now, someday you will realize you have lived into the answer.

"You two should have a conversation." [From a "high-maintenance" beauty to two of her suitors]

—I just listen ... It's less trouble, actually ... Nothing forced is ever beautiful.

"What are you thinking?"

—You tell me first.

"Thanks for thinking about me." [From one of the school's "mean girls."]

—Staring at people does not produce food ... It's not how you look at other people – It's how you look at yourself.

"I know what you're thinking."

—It's just what you're cooking up to torture yourself.

"What do you do, drive around all day thinking?"

—What do you want to ruin your life having fun for?

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

—Just one thing leads to another.

"Now you can get back to thinking big thoughts."

—There's a lot of them – There always have been.

"Who's your daddy?"

—Very awkward.

"Where did you buy it?"

—You think I was wasting my time? ... An arm and a leg for walking in ... The competition is fierce ... From out of nowhere! ... Out of this world ... The things you own end up owning you.

"Thank you for that lesson."

—Harvard men are best at this.

"How come you have so much stuff?"

—It must have been my mother – She has syphilis.

"Are you going to B or to 1?"

—I never let anyone push my buttons.

"Nobody wants to see you naked."

—Sure thing ... How can you dump someone if you can't see them?

"I have never loved you and I want a divorce."

—The movie generation ... If it isn't in a movie, it doesn't exist ... You really are mixed up ... Just don't tell me where you're going ... Don't tell anyone where you're going ... The unpopular side ... Because everything's wrong with me.

"Doesn't it seem as if Chelsea is sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?" (–MSNBC correspondent David Shuster)

—It's one of the things that'll bring peace to the world.

[Someone trying to make you a laughingstock]

—Do you feel better?

"I told Ricky to watch the puppy!"

—I just got home from school!

"I told you to watch the puppy, and Jimmy ran over it – It's dead."

—Don't blame me ... You did it! I didn't kill the dog! You did it!

"Earlier in the day, though, he said that his reasons for wanting to extend his term 'should be self-evident.'" [Referring to New York City Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, as reported in The New York Times]

—Everyone's a part of it.

"I would never undermine your authority in front of clients because that would be messing with your masculinity."

—You can't, because your shoes are too big.

"I shouldn't have dogs."

—What kind of life is that?

"You have no idea what you're talking about."

—You'll see.

"You have no life."

—You know, if you don't do anything, you get weaker and weaker ... Lebanon means, The Land of Milk and Honey.

"Richard, people are different and they all have their own way – You can't push your way on them or tell them what to do."

—I'm not going to talk about it anymore – Why should I give away pearls? ... Oh, look at all those colors! ... I'm not taking this seriously ... It's hopeless ... It's a virus talking about an elephant ... People only feel bad when they're not themselves ... A lot of what you feel is not ... It's what you imitated when you were a child ... I know I'm not always right ... Two people with mean mothers are not going to have a very nice time together ... "I'm not a pimple on your ambition and you shouldn't squeeze me." ... We should avoid these ends by avoiding these beginnings ... People incorporate wholesale the entire personality of the one they think is the most powerful ... One Jesus is enough ... If you imitate anyone else, you'll be you ... They have a name for it ... Monkeys is the craziest people! ... In the old days people had a lot of fun calling each other names ... You just have to let yourself ... You're my kind of artist! ... If you're near the sun, you can grow ... Like a thief that comes in the night.

"He's probably too eccentric for the corporate world."

—We'd know normal if we saw it, wouldn't we?

"He's weird because he only wants one kid."

—Nobody has any money.

"You're not as patriotic as I am because you're not anti-French."

—Don't hate the players – Hate the game!

"How much do people pay for rent around here?"

—I don't think it matters ... Maybe you don't have to know any of that. [Also see, Boredom]

"How much do YOU pay for rent?"

—You can't move in!

"How much rent do you pay?"

—You don't even have to be there ... Never buy horses!

"Sam, why do you have a basket on the front of your bike like a little girl?"

—That's what YOU say.

—Oh, at least.

—It's like wrestling with a maniac!

—You can have all the fun you want with it.

"Who isn't flawed?"

—You're not.

"Virginia, why don't you get that?" [Rotating European toilet seat]

—It would be criminal to waste my life that way.

"Don't you want to buy one?"

—You can get away with anything when you're old.

"Did you buy it new?"

—You don't need anything.

"I don't really buy it."

—You don't have to.

"You bought it used?"

—More money to manage, huh?

["They're totally addicted to them." (Their dog treats)] "So, you are feeding an addiction."

—A pain in the ass!

"How much do you pay him, one or two dollars?"

—I've decided I'm never going to talk about money, and I'm never going to hear about it – Gee, that's really great.

"That's all right – It's only two dollars."

—Like a buried treasure that never loses its luster.

"I'm not accusing you of anything."

—It's taken for granted.

"Are you sure you didn't drop it on the floor?"

—It's hard to believe, isn't it?

"GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!"

—And if they don't do it right, scold them!

"Why don't you sell your house and buy a house together?"

—How could someone live a whole life and only know one thing? – Say no more! – I forbid you to talk about my property.

"Hey, Boris, you're going to die, man!"

—Emerging into the sunlight.

"Unhappy with your shortcomings?"

—They're nothing!

"Your little white dog is beginning to be a problem."

—I do everything people tell me not to do.

"Hey, Daryl, you're holding the newspaper upside down!"

—I feel this incessant chatter about nothing is worthless.

"You should comb your hair, Peter."

—Either way you win.

[Someone giving you a partial view down their blouse]

—There's no rush.

"Sorry for the spill!"

—It's like perfume to me.

"You should wax your eyebrows."

—The next lesson is hair pulling – How to pull hair and scream.

"What are you trying to do to me?"

—Are you trying to stifle my creativity?

"You assume too much."

—It looks like you walked into a good deal, but you never know!

"Thanks for telling me that."

—Past a certain point you can't.

"You're not listening to me, lady – I'm telling you what to do!"

—What a relief.

"And by the way, it's going to cost you seventy-five dollars to replace that ticket."

—I'll bet you!

"Happy birthday!"

—It was so nice when I was little.

"I hope my singing didn't scare you away."

—We lucked out this year!

"Just assume I never said that."

—You're important, too, you know.

"Oh, get over it!"

—Things are disguised.

"You're lucky you weren't disbarred."

—They can't get your goat if they don't know where it's tied.

"Stop hovering."

—Any more butterflies of hate fluttering from level to level?

"Why are you so annoying all the time?"

—Who wants to go and dress like a goat?

"You know what? You're bugging me."

—So do you still believe everything your mind tells you?

"We think we might know what you're TRYING to say."

—It changes things sometimes.

"Gun owners are the new niggers of society."

—"Never underestimate the stupidity of the American people." (–P. T. Barnum)

"What do you do about it, in a nutshell?"

—Never start fights with rich guys! ... We never do.

"Somebody's taking that cash box! Call the police! Call the police!"

—They've been trained to be told what's right and wrong.

"Ritchie Junior here!" [Asking you to go along with an oblique insult]

—Dreamer!

"The assholes are winning."

—How do you like that? – They're full of shit!

"Fucking dickless wonder!"

—So nuts, aren't they?

"I want a divorce."

—We should throw a party! We should throw a no diapers party!

"I'm getting a divorce."

—You're a very nice person.

"Let's get a divorce."

—There's something nice about that, too.

"Why don't you masturbate before you go to work?"

—Think of the potential.

"Do Italian women use dried salamis to masturbate?"

—It's the last thing you want to think about.

"How dare you owners be so happy!"

—Some people are chosen.

"What kind of car do you have now?"

—I'm in charge of it – You don't have to worry anymore.

"You only have a million."

—The blues will make you happy, too.

"You don't even have a life."

—It pays to be an evil genius when you're on the web.

"You can't have it all."

—It's really not that much, is it?

"Have you read anything you said you read?"

—Now I neither fall asleep or put people to sleep.

"Do you have a/c in your taxi there?"

—What more could you want?

"Is it expensive? What do you have to pay for an apartment?"

—Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

"Where are you headed to?" [The hotel doorman wants to know, so later, he can extort a kickback from the taxi driver if it was a lucrative ride]

—No place like home.

"Do you have a bag? Do you have a bag? Do you have a bag?"

—Do you have a cleanliness disorder?

"If you don't mind my asking, how much do you make in a year from a taxi medallion?"

—It all depends how angry you are.

"Whose rude child is that at the end of the table?"

—Are you the woman I bit at the last full moon?

"Nice way to say curb your dog."

—I'll get a plastic mirror so they can see themselves ... That's too much to ask, huh? ... It's another world, you know? ... They didn't go to Church, huh? ... I don't even have to ... I usually look.

"What database do you use?"

—Hey, I'm a Dartmouth man! – We're beyond all that.

"Who's the head of your Y2K effort?"

—Don't knock the Ivy League!

["I've lived in fourteen different states."] "Is your father in the military?"

—Show me a point, and I'll move the Earth.

"We can't go wrong being ourselves, or so I've heard."

—Just let it play out.

"Do you support freedom and the right to bear arms?"

—That's what happens when you get old – If someone bugs you, you just slam the door.

"You're losing us in this last paragraph."

—I stay awake at night, listening to the wind.

"What the hell?!? If somebody can make some semblance of sense of that last guy's website please post and let me know what I'm missing! I'm quite perplexed by it, actually. And a little worried. I don't understand... .. ... ."

—It cured me.

"Don't be too quick to judge people now."

—Go ahead and judge 'em! They don't care ... You might as well call a spade a spade, and an asshole an asshole.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

—They judge themselves by what they do, and if they do well, they think they're great.

"I'm lost."

—You probably have some innate sense of goodness or decency.

"You lost me."

—The whole trick is to have tools and not answers.

"Have you done your taxes?"

—Whatever happened to sitting around the fireplace and doing nothing?

"Have you lost your mind?"

—You could learn an awful lot from that.

"You're fired ... 'as a result of disruptive and insubordinate behavior towards your direct supervisor.'"

—Well, according to MY attorney, "You have reduced the information and resources which you previously provided."

"You're fired!"

—Don't trust your relatives!

"Then you're fired!"

—Tell that to a piece of pottery!

"The honeymoon is over."

—Who's the master – the machine or the man?

"Get your tongue out of my mouth!"

—The secret room in the basement where screams cannot be heard – the ropes that do not leave burn marks.

"Paper or plastic?"

—Whatever's closest to you.

"We're making a change."

—I'm dying to hear ... Home run! ... That was over the wall ... You win ... That's what happens when you're old.

"You're making my family look bad."

—A tragic waste.