"Do you own your own cab?"

—I'll pay you four dollars an hour ... Can you loan me ten thousand dollars?

"Mr. Original."

—There's no doubt about it.

"Homo! Homo!" [From a five-year-old boy]

—There's a lot of people like that ... I see it on the news ... They're tough! ... Oh, don't give me that filthy stuff! ... The ones nobody wants ... Go play!

"Maybe he's in a better place." [Actually he died]

—It was probably fancy once.

"$&@%# right!"

—Not even the priests can get away with shit anymore.

"Mr. Richard!"

—What were we saying?

"Any idiot with a laptop can post his ramblings. In my opinion it's so much nonsense, and there's no editor."

—It's my dream, and I can change it if I want to!

"This is your 15 minutes of fame!! Well you don't have to ask me twice, here is a page with all the links to all my sites, (be sure to see the black cat archives) and then there is one of my brother's 20 (not kidding) sites ciao ciao bella bella Amoret Phillips MoltenBluegrass.com"

—Like a little kid in school.

[Someone feigning "being startled" when they see you, making you out to be a monster]

—It's bad stuff.

"This is not a public library."

—Hitler is dead, how's that?

[Looking at each other for cues, they finally ordered water at the bar – "Are you guys with Alcoholics Anonymous?"] "Not this week."

—It's good you can talk about it.

[Everyone mischievously laughing when you enter the room]

—Just in time!

"How do you know if someone is flirting with you?"

—Between the Devil and the deep blue sea.

"It made you sneaky."

—I can imagine what goes on.

"Are you into cars?"

—When you live in the caboose, you don't care about getting ahead.

"Is that a breed or an accident?"

—Many kinds! – Heinz 57.

"I find that offensive."

—Where I come from, and I said that, no one would bat an eye.

"Are you a sports fan?"

—How about those Giants!

[A "friend" blasting their car horn at you]

—If you can't come up with anything better than that, I'm not coming here.

"If I see someone come in and he's got a diaper on his head and a fan belt around that diaper on his head, that guy needs to be pulled over and checked." (–Louisiana congressman John Cooksey)

—You want a gas mask?

"Your brain must be a miserable place."

—It's better than I thought.

"Put yourself in my place."

—Clean, clean, clean! Order, order, order! Control, control, control!

"Why are you showing your temper? I am trying to help you here. I am actually being a kind person. You should thank me for that."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"Don't be so stubborn."

—I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

"Hello, Mr. Big!"

—Pecos Bill!

"Don't go into the kitchen – It looks bad."

—I've seen worse.

"You don't love anything, Mr. Udall."

—Intuition, spontaneity, and joy.

["Would you like a card for my website?"] "No thanks! – You've got a blog?"

—They all look the same.

"Ha, ha, ha! Are you blogging on that?"

—Some kind, huh? The smasher!

"How many days a week do you drive?"

—Is there anything else we can do?

"How was your week?"

—It's coming back.

"I'm off next week."

—Maybe that's your secret plan.

"I hope somebody knows about that broken arm out there, or we'll be stacked out to the freeway when everybody wants to get in here at once."

—Good! I'm behind you one hundred percent – Go for it!

"The democratizing influence of the Internet is working to banish expertise altogether, making everyone an authority on everything." (–Michiko Kakutani, reviewing "The Age of American Unreason," by Susan Jacoby, The New York Times, March 11, 2008)

—Yeah, why don't they stay in high school? ... Would you like some smut? ... It's getting harder and harder ... What's next is the missionary position ... These paintings talk to you!

"A person always wants to improve themselves."

—Dog is my copilot.

"Satan is my copilot."

—Maybe he thinks I'm FBI or something.

"That outfit is interesting."

—You're the one who knows what the earrings in the ears mean ... Using free samples to stir up demand.

"They make me buy this outfit, and they let you in in a house dress. I don't get it."

—Let's hit the road!

"We own them."

—I like the saying, if the British had first landed on the West Coast, New England would be a National Park.

"I'm starting to curse myself for being too cautious."

—This is a test to see if you're anti-authoritarian.