"If your investigative work is as limp as your dick, you might as well leave right now."

—The only reason I would go would be so when I meet people, I can go, "Boogie, boogie, boogie!" ... I know where the cops hang out ... Any trouble you make is good, because it brings light on the situation ... When someone attacks, what they're really doing is enflaming their fear.

"Say words."

—On a black background.

"I'd like to hear YOU say some words – I'm not too picky." [Super Bowl XLIV commercial, 7 February 2010]

—Ignore yourself!

"Say something unforgettable, guys!"

—Anything less?

"If someone is mean to me, I try to see where they're coming from – Maybe they had a bad day or something."

—It's so sad, isn't it?

"If you say so."

—It's all murder and sex – You might graduate to slaughter ... It's all in your mind ... There's no such thing as bad ... Your mother makes you pay for everything.

"Roberta always has to go back for something." [Habitually talking about you in the third person, as if you're not there]

—It's a scandal ... Now you know what the Marx Brothers' mother felt like ... It's no big deal ... If you have faith.

"Tiger Woods was idealized by us, his audience. In fact, he is a normal, flawed human being, who is additionally cut off from himself and from his ability to connect intimately because of the false idealization we have foisted on him." (–Kenneth M. Settel, psychiatrist)

—I told you so! ... You never know ... Let it go ... Stick to yourself, what else can you do?

"As a mom, I am thrilled that my daughter wants to read all of The Babysitter Club books because I don't have to worry about anything inappropriate happening in the stories." (–Julie Peterson, mother of two in Mechanicsburg, Pa., who blogs at Booking Mama)

—I guess it's an investment now ... You brought that in? ... They're like a carpet salesman ... They just keep going ... You just don't know the culture ... If we sell everything for a hundred dollars for three months, will it fly us around the world in one night?

"What do you expect? ... if you call that a joke!"

—It's all symbols, you know?

«Never joust verbally with someone who makes little sense»

—Stand in one place and tie your feet together.

«How to respond to a verbal bully»

—Just a little bit worse – It's very hard for people to understand if you're not in trouble.

"When are you going to marry her?"

—I'll see what I can do.

"You want to retire someday, huh?"

—I'm glad you left the children out ... I'm glad you left the kids out.

"Do you think you're qualified to make that judgment?"

—Talk about chutzpah!

"If you don't want to tell me, that's okay."

—It's a very complicated formula.

"Get those creative juices going and design creative things!"

—Maybe I'll redesign the airport with a tin roof and a big yellow dot, color-coded for kids, for children's this and that and the other ... maybe a children's Laundromat.

"How do you ask for a raise?"

—How about a raise? Don't you think I deserve it? I think I've been doing really good.

"A fun concept, but not enough real content for my taste."

—I'll have to work on that.

"Excuse me, sir, are you registered to vote?"

—I don't take it lightly – This is California!

"Are you going to vote?"

—Heads you lose, tails you lose if you listen to other people.

"Who are you going to vote for?"

—Let Jesus do it.

"Who'd you vote for?"

—Behind closed doors ... It's cheap, too ... They've got the pick of the crop ... Oh, I don't know, maybe for my violin ... When you think they're going to win, they lose, and when you think they're going to lose, they win.

"Don't you dare compare me to that pip-squeak."

—No one's big; no one's small.

"So who are you voting for?"

—Utah Phillips says, "My body is my ballot ... Cast that body ballot on behalf of the people around you every day of your life, every day ... Don't assign responsibility to other people to do things. Accept responsibility and see to it that something gets done."

"Do you invest in the Internet?"

—Where I'm from that's a semiprivate thing ... Why don't you do it yourself?

"You picked it – You killed it." [The flower you gave her]

—Funny you should notice.

"She, my darling, is conspicuously single. Maybe if she had gone to Wellesley she would have amounted to something."

—Did Bugs Bunny die?

"Students will raise their hands when they speak in my class."

—Bad children grow up ... Kill yourself before you get in trouble ... I want you to stop living ... That's all there is to it.

"You're a complete idiot."

—But not out loud ... The moon with a fish in it ... That's breathing.

"You're an idiot."

—I don't want to ruin the effect.

"Farnaz, your post indicates that you have a very underdeveloped sense of humor. I'm sure that there is a government program out there that could help you learn to lighten up. However, if you prefer to look in the private sector for help, I suggest that you look for old (late 70s) copies of National Lampoon (the issue with an article about 'Dog Fishing' is particularly good), buy DVDs of Animal House and 'Caddy Shack,' and perhaps invest in a 6-pack of Budweiser. Come to think of it, maybe that's the ammo our troops need over in Iraq."

—We might.

"You are still young, please take it from one who graduated in the 60s, a little humor / irony might lighten your load a bit."

—If you can see it – There's a little kernel inside you that can grow, if you give it attention, nourishment ..

"Don't tell me words don't matter. 'I have a dream' — just words? 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal' — just words? 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself' — just words? Just speeches?" (–Barack Obama, February 16, 2008)

—I didn't get to hear, is it powerful? ... Next time pick the Louvre.

"'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal' — just words? Just words? 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself; — just words? 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country' — just words? 'I have a dream' — just words?" (–Deval Patrick, 2006 campaign speech, successfully running for governor of Massachusetts)

—Really WASPy, isn't it?

"I will fight every moment of every day in this campaign to make sure Americans are not deceived by an eloquent call for change. It's no more than an eloquent but empty call for change that promises no more than a holiday from history and a return to false promises and failed policies of a tired philosophy that trusts in government more than the people." (–John McCain, referring to Barack Obama)

—I can't go backward in time on this ... I don't feel I have enough energy to – I really don't ... Aren't these Maypoles merry?

"It makes you feel like you're in a box." [Getting married to someone you don't really like]

—Capable of doing things outside, too ... Kiss Student! ... Don't leave yourself out!

«Best comebacks to say in a fight with words?»

—By and large; more or less; in any event; inasmuch as; in a nutshell; at any rate; for the most part; by the way; by all means; in just a few words; insofar as; any old how! ... Now I'm a real cosmopolitan killer of the revolution!

«My world in ten words or less»

—You can't get out of this life alive!

"You just open your mouth and words come out?"

—I'm really amazed no one has even thought of that.

"You took the words out of my mouth."

—Nobody tells me anything.

"How do you respond to the word, kiddo?"

—Down like a mother-fucker for truth! (–Oedipus of Thieves)

"If we don't do this, people will die." [Justification for the CIA's combination of extreme interrogation tactics, including sleep deprivation, prolonged stress positions, isolation, intense violent music, slapping on the head, waterboarding, chilling at fifty degrees Fahrenheit]

—Not just Jews, Italians! ... C'mon! Would I cheat you? ... "I'm not the guy that you kill ... I'm the guy that you buy!" ... (–George Clooney in Michael Clayton, 2007) ... "The whole point is we substitute speech and debate for force; that certainly includes views that are obnoxious." (–Carolyn Marvin, University of Pennsylvania)

"Good morning, dickhead."

—How are you doing, big guy?

"You're insulting my intelligence."

—Let's hope it shines in the dark.

"Want some advice?"

—Anyone can listen.

"Can I give you a little friendly advice?"

—Do you mind if I do it in ten years?

"I think you should apologize."

—With or without laces?

"Is that the way you apologize?"

—I apologize to all the shoes.

[Someone truly upset with you]

—I'm so sorry I said something bad ... Have a cookie! [Slow low voice]

"Don't apologize."

—Just so you won't feel jealous.

"I never argue with a man who is wrong."

—Quite a challenge.

"If you can't go topless at David and Diana's, where can you go topless?"

—Carthage must be destroyed!

"I will if you will!"

—Any way is fine.

"If I leave, what are you going to do?"

—Do what you want.

"If you don't like it, do something about it."

—Dealings with the generous are not difficult.

—Thank you, brother, for chastising me! It has made my humiliation that much richer.

"If you don't like it, you can get out of here ... or we'll just kick you out."

—How elegant.

"I have stomach poisoning from your lousy food!"

—What is it, Christmas?

"You shouldn't make bedroom eyes in the workplace."

—I give all my energy to my job.

"What's a sexual pervert?"

—All he does is kick and swirl his penis around like a propellor.

"You almost ran over that guy, but who cares?"

—I'll watch for that.

"The man you ran over just died."

—Like in a war.

"Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?"

—It costs you nothing.

"Sounds like a bunch of words."

—Just another day to throw away!

"You idiot!"

—Do you need a new boss down at the factory?

"IDIOT!"

—YOU'RE THE EXPERT!

"It's a walkway, shithead!"

—Good day to work on a roof.

"Anytime, anytime!" [Insincerely, because you didn't meet their stringent expectations – You simply slipped through the open door without saying anything]

—What do you want to do, walk your dog? ... And I'm paying for this?