"You shouldn't bring your baby into the pool without a diaper."

—It's not my baby, toots.

[A child alone on a grocery shopping cart drops a stuffed toy and points at it; you pick it up and hand it to the child, who cheerfully says, "Thank you!" Then the father races over and asks the child ...] "Did he knock that out of your hand?"

—Maybe that's your deepest wish ... You have to put yourself first ... You know, there's people who prey on people who don't! ... I wish for you to be open and full of joy! ... What are you telling me? ... Your mind is Moby Dick! One thing after another! ... The Pope approached the toilet: Nothing happened! ... The spirit of liberty is not being too sure you're right ... You know, you don't see candy cigarettes anywhere ... Somewhere in Texas there's a village missing an idiot ... Everything challenged! ... Unbelievable! ... That's not really true but I don't care ... Many don't! ... A little thing may be big! ... I don't want any of that fifteen mile bullshit! ... Is that fair? ... That question is so rude ... I'm an artist, not a criminal ... It wouldn't have happened if the baby had eaten celery and oatmeal! ... The best way is don't! [respond to things]

"My last boyfriend had a big one."

—Let's see who has the nicest one.

"Oh, come on!" [Angrily]

—It's unstoppable.

"Any stories for me?"

—That one must be in the bedroom.

"Is it all one family?"

—Without asking.

"One day! One day!"

—Sure, Jack! ... It's terrible!

"Here's a twenty and two cents." [Simultaneously handing you a ten-dollar bill and two pennies]

—Our Hints ... The Devil Made Me Do It!

"Tom has a Ph.D. – He should be able to figure it out – Yours doesn't count."

—Separate the ugly from the confusion.

"This is a hundred and seventy dollars – Better count it. [It's actually a hundred-fifty, short a twenty]

—Farewell!

"Here you go – It's eight." [Cheating you! -- Giving you seven one-dollar bills, that you're not supposed to count]

—It'll last forever.

[Your roommate cheating you]

—Why do they cheat people? They do it to knock off people. It makes them feel important. They think that's sharp. They're very small insecure people, so the only way they can feel secure is to cheat people.

"Knock, knock!"

—The final vomit is coming out of the beached whale! ... Things are falling in! ... The unconscious is powerful and clever! ... Most poets are screwballs! ... If you're insane, you can say anything you want, right? ... You have to be kind to people ... You have to do your work ... That's bad! ... Now I'll really open up!

"I've got to take a shit at your house – I gotta go! – I'll piss in my pants!" [Kids exchanging "shock talk" for the benefit of passerby]

—He's a theoretical Marxist.

"Now you'll do my house!"

—Sure! Why not? I'm an artist, and I know what's important.

"Yo, baby, I want to drink your bath water!"

—Do they deliver?

[Helpful things to scream back at a driver who's screaming out his window at you]

—Helping Dad! ... You're too hot to handle! ... Why do I have to do that? ... What's the deadline? ... Why do people have to believe the same thing? ... Good training! ... Stay out the bushes! ... Work harder!

"Come on, cabbie!"

—Another handicap.

"Honey, your mom sent me to pick you up."

—What's the password?

"Honey, you have to come with me."

—I'll do anything you like, or see that it gets done, as long as you put it in writing and sign your name to it.

"Please, come over here."

—I've got a nose to pick with you.

"It's an emergency."

—There's a pack of electric little phony girls.

"Say, 'Yes, Sir!'" [Lieutenant Commander mauling six-year-old boy]

—Thoroughbreds don't cry.

"Sir! Can I help you with something?" [A movie house manager challenging you because you're taking notes after a movie]

—Lots of help.

"Yes, sir?" [Challenging you as you walk in]

—Anything missing?

"Hey, you! Come here!"

—What about loafing?

"Come over here!"

—Enough already!

"Do you have a pen in your purse?"

—Something better! ... Find a dog!

"How's everything, Richard? Everything fine?"

—Makes me feel relaxed. [$800.00 in a box]

"Richard, what are you doing here? I wouldn't stay here, if I were you. It's just for women."

—Everybody takes 'em ... I don't care ... Even Elvis is coming.

"Well, that's you, Richard."

—Understanding the interrelationships between light, tension, capacity, in everyday life ... putting them on the radar, that's what helps ... You don't have to make it complicated.

"You have to watch what you say around Richard – He has no sense of humor."

—Just an index card.

"Mick asked me, 'Why does Richard work so hard?'"

—You know, one of the things that's very important is ... Oh! I forgot! ... Life is short. Party naked!

"I'm not your mother, Richard."

—The whole world is my mother.

"Richard, pull on this string!"

—That has nothing to do with me!

"Never mind, Richard." [Condescendingly]

—The kiss of death.

"I had a chilling thought."

—Don't take it so seriously.

"Honey, can you help me out a little? Can you help me find my puppy?"

—Just like anyone would ... What about Thursday lunch? ... I'm having trouble with my laser printer ... After that ... It's up to each person to solve their own problems! ... It all depends on how much in a hurry you are ... You have time ... You have to be a little goofy, a little dumb, a little strange.

"If it's too hot, we can play in my bedroom." [From a child molester]

—Because you're smart ... You know, this is going to go on your permanent record ... I have a thing for older women ... I don't care if it's proper ... Just be as good a person as you can, and help anyone you can. Attend to self-esteem, integrity, honesty, pleasure & nourishment. Stay away from anything that's tricky, risky, or glib.

"Come to my office."

—The student has outshone the master now.

[A completely lackadaisical person gesturing for you to come on over to chat, and if you do, they say, "Do you have change for a twenty?"]

—There's a nut that's missing.

"Can you make change for a twenty?"

—Busy day.

"You think you keep saying that, it's gonna change anything?" [A History of Violence, 2005]

—A little more every day.

"We're on the way down – failed mystics."

—Forced to live beneath your society.

"I was just saying anything."

—And you're only one year old – Saying you're confused is the last refuge of a scoundrel!

"Just answer my question." (–James Fallows, The New York Times, June 12, 2005)

—You're one in a million – You're very thorough.

"Give me your purse! ... Give me your wallet! ... That's right, there ... That's what I'm talking about!"

—The best way is don't [respond to things] ... That's it ... You had your thrill ... They probably shoot neighbors there when they're sick ... Forget it! ... Don't go to college; it's a waste of time ... Here's a twenty: Put it in your pocket ... That's WASP therapy! [hunting, shooting out the window of the cabin] ... You have to be on the lookout.

"Is there another front entrance? ... I want to save him the trip of coming down." [Stranger at your apartment building, waiting for you to open the door]

—Let's wait ... Hold it, hold it, hold it ... Everything takes longer than you expect.

"How do you keep a moron in suspense?"

—After many a summer, dies the swan.

"IT'S A RED LIGHT, BABY!"

—THEN WAIT!

"Instead of saving up for two years, you'd have to save up for five years." [To fly on the Concorde]

—Wait then!

"Did any potential terrorist just buy an airplane ticket?"

—Looks like me!

"Hey, man, gimme five dollars." [An initiation-style robbery, perhaps leading to your pain, injury or death]

—Well, wait a minute! – You may be in a hurry, but I'm not – You're not the worst one anymore.

"Allah-u-Akbar! – God is Great!" [And then they start murdering]

—Excuse me! ... I have to sit next to my mother! ... You can understand that, can't you? ... I have no reason not to die, myself.

"Freeze!"

—Did anyone yell out, "I wonder why?"

[Someone coming into your classroom with a gun]

—On the count of three! One, two, three! ... Geronimo! [Everyone in the class throw your pens, pencils, used needles, knapsacks, and textbooks at the guy, gang tackle his arms and legs, and pounce upon him like a bunch of crazed Chinamen ... then go get your teacher, who probably jumped out the window]

"Age before beauty!"

—Health before illness!

"Be my guest."

—It could be beautiful, but it's all slums.

"DID YOU SEE MY LIGHTS?"

—What did Marie Antoinette say? (Quit while you're ahead)

[How to extricate yourself from something]

—Just take a minute! ... Don't forget! You can be little. You don't have to be big! ... I've got to take care of a sidecar ... Not right now ... Not this time ... That's a long way from never ... Could you say that a little bit nicer? ... If I was lucky, I'd be dead.

"Jack it up – Get better stuff." [From the Iraqi detainees]

—Let 'em fuck the electric fences – What do we care?

«At any time if you feel at risk if you feel a situation is escalating»

—One stupid thing after another.

"How strong is the new evidence of nuclear programs in Country X?"

—Don't forget to breathe!

"How has California's standing among states in per-student school funds changed since the 1960s?"

—You're the most wonderful man I've ever met.

"What's it like to have the body of a ten-year-old boy?"

—A frail little person.

"This is our best opportunity to get equipment money from the dean, and adding these things [to your formal requisition] won't affect your getting the equipment you actually need." [A fraudulent request to slip in a few extra items]

—It's that first request to kill a guy that keeps so many people from joining organized crime – We can add a supplementary list of items you consider invaluable to the department – An honest document should satisfy the chairman. (–Randy Cohen in The New York Times, October 21, 2003)

[A group of people standing behind your chair in a bar or restaurant, occasionally bumping into you, or kicking your chair]

[Don't say anything at all to the people; talk to the manager, who is supposed to call the police or do something; if you have any confrontation at all with the people, they're likely to wait and settle it, outside the restaurant; do what a gangster would do, which is nothing] "Behind the morning glories, behind the arbor, behind the falling fence ..."

"Wow! What a cute couple! Coming in to do the laundry together!"

—Too advanced?

[Someone making bedroom eyes at your girlfriend]

—One day you can have one of your own.

[The two-fingered "eyes on you!" gesture]

—It's chilling.

"Stop asking these newbie questions. Makes you look like a moron."

—Under what circumstances? When you take your gun out and say, "Your money or your life!" — ? ... How could you be so smart? ... Kids think they're bad already ... Well, who are you, Sister Teresa?

"Your wife is my whore."

—So what do you think of people who see God's asshole?

"Don't tell my wife."

—Comes the dawn.

"After meeting dozens of contacts, it dawned on me that all these prospects were always cordial and welcomed me even when they had no interest in my product, and I was never treated with disrespect. I suddenly realized that these prospects were fine people, and it dawned on me that I had no reason to think badly of anyone. It was a very positive discovery in my contacts with people." (–Laurence Gray Sprunt, "The Past ... A Stairway to the Future," Wrightsville Beach Magazine, April 2012, p. 38)

—How long would it take to put a new heater in?

"Anything for you!"

—Every dog has its day ... (See also, "'Princelings' in China Use Family Ties to Gain Riches," by David Barboza and Sharon LaFraniere, The New York Times, May 17, 2012)

"If you wait long enough, it will come floating down the river."

—Halloween – when the veil between the living and dead is the thinnest.

"I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to have anything to do with you."

—I don't want anything good.

"You never finish anything."

—Someone trying to do what no one else ever did is a little strange.

"You never do anything right."

—You don't even have to do anything right.

[Utter nonsense]

—[Any children's song] ... "This old man, he played one, He played knick knack with his thumb, With a Knick, knack, paddy whack, Give the dog a bone, This old man came rolling home."

"You must think forty of fifty grand is nothing."

—No many how many times my parents point out my shortcomings, I fail to see them.

"Why is it exponentially better?"

—Even lower than that.

["Joe Lieberman was our high school class president."] "Did you check your wallet after that?"

—Some are under my bed.

"Will you watch my purse?"

—It's the only one I've ever seen.

"Do you think it's fair for me to wait FOREVER?"

—It would still be worth it!

"I haven't eaten all day, my God!"

—Over and over again.

"Over my dead body!"

—Let us remember people while they're alive.

"It's so funny, every time I read it, I peed in my pants."

—I have to go rescue my friends now.

"I'm going to take a poop."

—As the world turns!

"Are you playing with yourself?"

—It's dangerous not to like yourself, because you're the best friend you have.

"I've turned into the kind of person I'd never be friends with."

—"Be!" –Plato; "Do!" –Aristotle; "Do-be! Do-be! Do!" –Sinatra.

"Dear Richard Hart, Thanks for sending MIND CANDY. I am sorry to report that the project is not right for Chronicle Books. Good luck with another publisher. Best wishes, Steve Mockus, Associate Editor."

—They want to be able to control their destiny.

[Someone spam-blocking your e-mail]

—It's good to have a little trouble, too — It smartens you up.

"We don't feel your work is up to our standards."

—What about boys who don't have fathers?

"Sorry, your site is NOT APPROVED. Try another WebRing ... Good luck, ART NETWORK"

—I am such, that a person like that hates me.

"This is just one of those days."

—You can't tell if she's Eve, the apple, or the snake.

"Does this work on every girl you give one to?" [The radish flower]

—It's amazing how they grow.

"Can you get one more?"

—Enough is enough. Don't do too much.

"[And that energy bill] was loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney ... And you know who voted for it? You might never know. That one." (–Senator John McCain, smiling and pointing to Mr. Obama, without looking at him)

—Do you think Bush is a secret agent for communism?

"Have a good one."

—You get a ball point pen and go to work!

"Have a good one." [Sleazily]

—It's good to work hard; it's good to feel happy; it's good to live.

"See this guy? Of all drivers who have a medallion, he's a 'one.'"

—Are you losing money?

"Did you buy one?"

—All beat up ... Those were the days.

"Your loss."

—Better limited and alive than unlimited and dead.

"It's your loss."

—Like a flower melting in the snow.

"Your loss, not mine!" [Bitterly, because it's the end of your shift, and by not taking them, your thirty dollar late fee can be avoided]

—Talk to the hand!