"Your mind is the free theater hither and thither they dominate."

—The rest of your life.

"I've always wanted to be in a sitcom." [Insincerely]

—All kinds.

[Someone noisily picking their teeth]

—Unto himself! ... I felt like a mushroom ... I was left in the dark and fed garbage.

"I knew you were going to say that! It's like hitting a stone wall."

—There's a difference ... You're not the walking wounded and you're not a big shot.

"I am The Joker." (–Another no-name shooter ... the Colorado Movie Massacre suspect ... the frightened neglected child ... the alleged gunman James Eagan Holmes ... the man who loses even his name in the fickle press ... whose experiences at the University of Colorado Denver Anschutz Medical Campus, where he had been treated by the psychiatrist directing the school's mental health services, continue to be shrouded in mystery, July 20, 2012)

—Did you feel the little pea under your mattress? ... Did you hear the tick-tock tock of a grandfather clock? ... Did you hear the drip drip drop of the sink that wouldn't stop? ... Wow! Like Hollywood! ... Wherever you are ... Don't trip! ... Give other people a chance ... A lot of them have nice cushy jobs and know very little ... Some are very sad, and if you're nice to them, they're even sadder ... Why would anyone feel that bad? ... Because whenever they were themselves, people ridiculed them, ignored them, or attacked them ... They die like flies ... Little things ... It's beneath me it's so annoying ... To get along, children learn what goes and what doesn't go ... Tell your father you need to go to a mental hospital ... It depends on what people need ... What they need is to know what they don't know ... The number one killer is the ridicule of intelligence ... You mean the little plane with a propellor on it? ... The teachers can't tell you your parents are assholes, because they'll get fired ... That's because Franklin Roosevelt died seventy years ago ... It's not sad if you don't expect too much.

"I think it can now be said, without equivocation — without equivocation — that this man hates this country. He is trying — Barack Obama is trying — to dismantle, brick by brick, the American dream." (–Rush Limbaugh, July 16, 2012)

—The mind is like a jungle, and there's a little clearing, and every now and then a little animal darts through, which is like a buried experience from childhood, and you feel things.

"He was indoctrinated as a child. His father was a communist. His mother was a leftist. He was sent to prep and Ivy League schools where his contempt for the country was reinforced." (–Rush Limbaugh, referring to Barack Obama, July 16, 2012)

—I don't know how you can keep this all straight in your head.

"There's a naked hen in the refrigerator."

—That's how they suck you in.

"If you say these people [school bullies] aren't my friends, then what friends do I have?" [From the 2012 documentary, Bully – See also stargate22, intimidation, lying]

—Diamonds are a girl's best friend ... They're socially challenged ... The wish to live is inside you ... Listen to the wish to live calling up to you ... What's weak and deeply intuitive? ... A squeaky wheel ... A squeaky wheel gets greased! ... You're supposed to do whatever you can to facilitate another person ... The less you put blame on other people, the better you do ... That's what makes the world go around.

"Once perceived as somewhat eccentric, grassroots vanity sites for writer wannabes, web logs, or blogs, are being taken very seriously these days."

—Shabby! What creeps, huh? – Socially challenged.

"Do you like pomegranates?"

—Don't touch 'em! That's the first thing you have to know about plants. Don't touch 'em!

"I wasn't aware of that."

—And buy a better suit.

"I'm aware."

—Well, who told you not to be? – Ninety percent is under water.

"I have a real problem with the way you said something so let's discuss it."

—Can it live in the shade?

"We have to check [that the door's locked] – We're both seniors now."

—Raise someone's welfare to the same level as your own (or greater) ... I'm just a person.

"My paintings are boring – All my friends are so talented." [From a human sinkhole of negativity]

—That bad, huh? ... Look at all the money we spent on bombs and what good did it do? ... They're totally envy and jealousy fodder ... They hate themselves and everything they do ... There's nothing you can do about it ... It's the way you lie; it's catching up to you ... Be careful ... You can do a big job beating yourself up ... Back yourself up! ... That's what my suggestion is, go easy on yourself ... You feel alone and unneeded in a way ... You're just stuck with living with yourself ... Let those creeps drop dead.

"Why don't you have friends who come over?"

—Most people want to hide ... I don't want to be popular ... Think about it ... Add it up ... You call that being treated like royalty? ... Go beat up a doctor!

"I hate it when people stare at me – It makes me feel like a freak."

—Try to seek the essence of honey in yourself if you want to be yourself.

"Sacramento and Montgomery!" [You're driving in a direction they didn't expect – They act as if everyone's always cheated them – Delusions of grandeur – They'll never reach your level of insanity]

—I was thinking of a swan.

"Richard, do you go by Dick?"

—Maybe on a map ... Most people aren't ready for that.

"Grow your small dick."

—Do you have to have everything your own way?

"Don't be a dick."

—That came off really nice!

"Seriously – If I stuck my dick in your mouth would that shut you up?" [Abusive dialog from TuckerMax.com]

—Ever hear of mouth corners? ... Stick to little things!

"I have a really big dick."

—For an emergency, I guess.

"Yes. We're neurotics; he's psychotic."

—No matter how crazy you are, why not pursue your bliss?

"The same day that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak stepped down, [Lara] Logan was surveying the mood of anti-Mubarak protesters for a '60 Minutes' story when she and her team 'were surrounded by a dangerous element amidst the celebration,' CBS said in a statement Tuesday. The network said that a group of 200 people were then 'whipped into a frenzy,' pulling Logan away from her crew and attacking her until a group of women and Egyptian soldiers intervened." (–Melissa Maerz, The Los Angeles Times, February 15, 2011)

—Oh, no! ... God knows what's happening next ... THAT's what's going to bring world peace ... Carry a gun! ... Get away from it as fast as you can ... No matter how alert you are, sooner or later you're going to fall and hurt yourself ... Next time I know just what to do ... Wyoming is the asshole state of the universe.

"I heard there were some other mechanics who said they could get that off." [Work crew foreman to escalator repair mechanics at the airport]

—Because you know which end is up ... You know a lot of kids, their feet are growing out of their asshole.

"I like the card with the snow-covered hills."

—A quiet conversation.

"He's so laid-back."

—And you wonder, What's next?

[An impostor asking you a question when they already know the answer (It's just an expression of hatred)]

—I would have known the answer to that if you hadn't asked me.

"The first thing you see in India is indignity: filthy slums, boulevard defecation, puffed-out bellies. You feel shocked but also noble in your compassion. Then it becomes normal. You see that the true degradation is in human relationships, in the belief that people come in different levels of humanness. The idea is so pervasive and tempting of your vanity that, in time, it infects you, too." (–Anand Giridharadas, "Letter from India: Questions I Never Got to Answer," International Herald Tribune, 19 June 2009)

—Your Id is like a rat. Your Superego is like the Pope. Reason is clear perception of the truth: That's what's called horse sense, or common sense. Id: "Devour the entire world!" What does an animal know about putting money in the bank? Superego: "Kill you!" People are just little robots acting out the plan of their unconscious. This is the end of the line for do-gooders. What's funny is when the lid of repression is lifted. People are like neurological thickets, and they simply slip from one activation to another. Heaven and hell are right beside us on earth. The part of you that dreams at night understands energy and has abilities.

"What a wonderful thing to be an American – None of us agree about anything." (–Cindy McCain, September 3, 2008)

—I'm not trying to trick you, but remember you said that.

"Are you the Night Cabbie?" [Weekly columnist for the Examiner]

—No, no, no – I didn't sign up for that.

"One of these days the real Jenifer is going to come out; you're going to crash." [From the boss]

—Right in the street ... Over on the side ... Are you afraid a purple water is going to come in the shape of an antelope and kill me? ... What is the first rule of art? ... Don't bore the public ... I have to pay off my education – It's a fortune.

"You can tell a lot about a person by their hands – You know, you have very large hands."

—That might help ... What do you think happens in the wilderness?

"She didn't want to help me because I'm a Black woman – She said she didn't have the colors to support a Black complexion." [Customer lying about you to your boss – She may be one of these insecure people who try to make everyone feel even more insecure ... so she can be the secure one]

—I'm completely sailing under false colors – I think a lot of things that aren't true – They're always in a different place.

"If you don't sell to the Arabs, they'll hate you."

—They already do.

"You know the nice thing about smiles? They're free."

—They say Jesus never laughed.

"Slow as molasses."

—That's what saves me.

"Do you have to take up the entire aisle?"

—I'm right there with you.

"My cab Lux 994 is currently top of the line with leather seats, lumbar control, newspaper in the rear seat pocket compartment and the amazing Luxor sound system."

—Delirious!

"Doing reality checks during my day shift I often talk with the passengers about Molly Ivins, the concentration of wealth (although according to the lamas you have to pray for the rich bastards too) the lack of national health insurance, Lester Thurow and Jeremy Rifkin."

—I'm just in the mood to do nothing.

"Hopefully there is some benefit in this two-way street which I don't dominate more than I have to to be a mirror that reflects society."

—It's amazing how much there is to do, huh?

"I find your site a step in the direction I want to go, but do not know how to read it."

—There's a solution to everything.

"There is no quality control on the Web, and there isn't likely to be any. Unlike libraries where vanity press publications are rarely, if ever, collected, vanity is often what drives the Internet. Any fool can put up anything on the Web, and, to my accounting, all have." (–Mark Y. Herring, "10 Reasons Why the Internet Is No Substitute for a Library," American Libraries, April 2001, pp. 76-78)

—But not us.

"Oh, sure! I love feeling like a small fish in a big pond."

—Next you'll tell me you have a friend who's a chocolate fish.

"I'm honored, I think."

—I'm just preparing you, okay?

"I can rely on you to be early."

—We are both very foolish.

"Son-of-a-BITCH!" [From a pedestrian you almost ran over]

—Who isn't?

"I wasn't talking to you."

—I'm not alone.

"Friendly is not the same thing as friends."

—Think of it more as a stepping stone.

"Do you have any friends?"

—They wear you out, don't they?

"I can't understand why you don't have many friends – you're so interesting."

—I'll have to get some more!

"I'm indecisive today."

—I'm secretly ironic.

"I know you hate all my friends." [Spoken in front of them]

—It's only a few, right?

"Well, you said you did."

—Overnight.

"I JUST SAID IT!"

—What did I say? ... All mental illness is a certain kind of tension, and all mental health is a certain kind of ease.

["Where are you from?" "Detroit."] "That's right ... You said that."

—I spoke too soon.

"You said I was crazy."

—And everything's nailed down, I suppose.

"She said you were totally rude and unprofessional."

—There's always a certain percentage.

"Your friends just don't make it."

—All happiness is earned.

"You messed up again."

—You know I want my work perfect.

"Are you innocent?"

—Like most people.

"That was like a scene from All in the Family – Do it again! – Say what you said."

—That isn't the real me – You do it!

"There's the evil laugh again."

—That shouldn't make you feel bad.

"It's you again?"

—You called?

"We can't continue to take a bath in this." [From a scary executive who stonewalls and rarely gives an inch]

—I think everyone sees that.

"Hominabie foramchi bogude wallawalla abadada!" [From a passing street person, talking in tongues]

—No nonsense!

"I bet you get in lots of trouble, don't you?"

—You don't need that.

"So now you're famous."

—The smells of Oscar Wilde.

"You know the other day when Achilles was having that thing done to him at the vet?"

—They never show that on the news.

"Paris was really making a commotion."

—Didn't anyone ever hear the expression, "When pigs have wings?"

"He woke me up at seven howling and carrying on until nine-thirty when I left."

—It's hard to shake off.

"Well, Richard, that's where you and I differ."

—An artist is never poor.

"She likes Kenny G ... he's not my cup of tea ... but what kind of man would I be ... to let Kenny G ... come between her and me?"

—You better watch it, too! ... Everything bad to do.

"I don't like fluff."

—For real.

"Nice breeze."

—It's fantastic.

"Find a mess and you'll find Jeanette."

—An art lover.

"I was mortified!"

—See if you can step back a little.

"At the risk of repeating myself."

—It causes baldness and lack of mirth.

"Back for thirds?"

—Best ever.

"Your Japanese must be useful."

—Heard all over the world.

"Where are you going to advertise?"

—You'll see it.

"I was going to ask if I could get that spot."

—Later.

"Crapweasels make menace!"

—Six months old, everyone's nice.

"Maybe someone will adopt you."

—Don't count on it.

[A child who is getting too physical with you]

—Give me a kiss!

"What are you doing, holding up the wall?"

—People tend to be afraid of what they don't understand.

"Here! Make yourself useful."

—The call of the wild.

"You're always running away."

—That's a good thing not to do.

"Just take it away." [From a thoroughly miserable customer – the chief of police – who's been giving you a hard time]

—You are reminding me of the dessert course.

"Robbie started it – I didn't do anything!"

—If you treat your brother like that, you'll never get a good husband.

"Has the movie started?" [Someone behind you in the movie theater, after you've told the disturbingly loud women, with him, to shut up]

—That's suffering quietly.

"Don't get me started."

—To the stars?

"Aw, shut up."

—That's dangerous.

"Aw, blow it out your ass!"

—This is dangerous, too, for the dog.

"You're stressing me out so much I can't think straight."

—Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again!