"I'm a born liar."

"A bunch of goddam potheads!" [Pretending that's what you're thinking]

—It doesn't matter where you've been, as long as it was deep!

"What up, bitch!"

—What'd you come out here for? ... What up unto now!

"I'm not a good storyteller." [Self-attack]

—You don't have to go through all that shit.

"I'm really awkward." [Self-attack]

—Of course I live near the edge – The view is better.

"I'm not a good person at all." [Grumpily]

—Oh ye of little faith.

"Yeah, that was a really long text." [Self-attack]

—The Italians have a great expression: "Don't shit in your own back yard." ... Now you know why.

"So, Adam, what are you up to?"

—Up to the edge.

"What are you up to?"

—The further you go down the ladder, the more chicken shit.

"You have sisters! That means you have a girl's personality."

—That rubs off.

"I'm up here." [From a woman with unusually noticeable breasts]

—Big transition! ... One's a sober one, one's a snappy one! ... You have to see a little more.

"My eyes are up here."

—Maybe that's the real you, and the rest is like canned tuna.

"Hey! Do you enjoy that? Keep it up and see what happens!"

—Really bombastic!

"You have borderline personality disorder."

—You realize your parents are full of shit, and your shrinks are on the other side – I'm going to the 254 Room of the Stork Club!

"Someone embittered you."

—Your best defense is to have a good life ... That's what your job is – to make sure no one takes over your life ... You want to give that up.

"Well, I am immune to verbal attack."

—The whole way out is a sense of humor.

"I'm pretty tough."

—Get ready!

"I'm not sure what you mean, really."

—True colors.

"You're not coming on this show again because you have absolutely nothing to say except for your talking points."

—You don't know what I'm doing, do you? ... Just these little moments mean more than anything else, right? ... Sure we are! ... It's hard to resist ... Your aggression's seeping out of you ... Your aggression's leaping out at me! ... "You don't have to match your answers to their questions. If you don't give the right answer to their questions, they asked the wrong questions." (–Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg)

"Fuck off!"

—It's cheaper than going out to dinner ... Just be yourself ... You don't seem too unhappy to me ... For gold! ... Maybe times are changing ... Is it the evil little scientist that wants to invent the death ray? ... How do we know what he wants to do? ... How do we know? ... The mystery is not solved ... By accident, right? ... The door has opened to the inner sanctum ... Absolutely fearless ... It's coming out slowly ... Maybe it's your broken heart ... Well, we don't know what it is ... That's how Martians sneeze! ... Fuckoff! Fuckoff! ... Besides that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

"I'm sorry you just ended up with me."

—The serpent of darkness.

"You have to take it with a grain of salt."

—I think that's all.

"What business is it of yours where I'm from, ... friend-o?" (–Murderer Anton Chigurh, in No Country for Old Men .. You don't want to be fresh to this kind of person; you just want to get off their radar; go reeal slow.)

—Take things for what they are ... What difference does it make? ... That coin was here before you got here ... The only difference is you.

"Do you think I'm blind?"

—"I think not!" René Descartes said, and disappeared! [He's the one who said, "Cogito, ergo sum." (Latin: "I think, therefore I am.")]

"Oh, I'm easy to blow off – That's okay." [Also see Self-attack]

—What Woody Allen movie is that from?

"I'm tired of talking about it."

—I'm on your side.

"I'm not sure if that's a compliment."

—You can go by feel.

"You think I'm shallow, huh?"

—That's what you think!

["What culture are you from?"] "I'm Japanese." [Many Asians will say, "I'm Japanese," because they're ashamed they grew up in a slum in another country; sometimes you just have to assume the opposite of what they said, without interpreting, using a light touch, with care, reserve, and no undue familiarity; over time, the truth comes out]

—A little village outside of Hong Kong, right?

"I'm losing all hope right now."

—That's why they live out in the woods, thirty miles from each other.

"I have nothing more to say, return to your regular masturbation."

—I'm not doing anything – I'm giving orders.

"Is your name Dan Druff? – You seem to get into people's hair."

—All the triumphs of religion are due to germs. (–See William Mcneill's Plagues and Peoples)

"So what did you do on your day off?"

—I'll have to see it first.

"It must be the Oil of Olay."

—I don't think so.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no — I'm way too fat already."

—No one wants that.

"It's a trap." [This website]

—The child asks for help.

"Verbal self-defense is one area where a taxi driver can certainly have expertise. Richard Ames Hart has just that, and he can teach you how to defend yourself. That is, if you can follow the flow of his discursive and maddeningly elusive web site." [Link from lampoon of taxi1010 at Alleee and Franc's INSOLITOLOGY]

—If anyone's mean, get up and walk out!

"The 'sunporch' lists a humongous quantity of insults. The taxi1010 guide is full of very very long lists, so you will more or less relive the nostalgia of playing D&D, minus the excitement."

—I know enough to do that.

"I think Hart got that last quote from a review, and is still bitter."

—Too many funerals.

"... in light of what we have seen, writing a web site about verbal self-defense when you're still bitter is like going to the supermarket when you're hungry."

—Next time send flowers!

"She's got a great ass!"

—Just a little.

["I'm from Dodge City, Kansas."] "We're from Narnia."

—It's all artificial ... Look at your nose.

"You're toast!"

—I'm amazed you're not butter.

"Suck-up!"

—This is called teasing ... teasing the knot.

"I'm glad I'm not you!" [Someone stealing your graduation present, a bright red fire truck, on the last day of kindergarten]

—I like purple – I thought you'd sell it by now – I'm a little careless.

"Just kidding!"

—It just goes to show you.

"I was just kidding!"

—When you're hot, you're hot!

"Maybe it's because I'm an asshole."

—Teeth and all.

"Hey, Ted! I'm fucking with you!" [From, There's Something About Mary]

—That's a long way to go, isn't it?

"You're kidding! That's not what Jim was telling me."

—In the real world things can be different.

"April Fool!"

—It's an old one.

"I've got something for you." [Revealing the finger]

—I know power words!

"I hate to say this, but when you hit the net, I won the point."

—Without which, my life is perfect.

"Good thing I never got organized."

—There's no glamor in it.

"Here's your chance to move up, Doc – You can become Italian."

—I'm sure it's true for everyone.

"What's up, man? No business today?"

—Really weird, huh?

"What's up?"

—Big trouble! ... Who's complaining? ... You're a brick! ... Break up, hook up, burn up, lock up, hurry up! Seven-up! ... Overlap it a little ... Cheer up! ... Different things ... You're next up, cutup! ... Holy Cow! ... You're perplexed ... It's a riddle ... I could get it down ... Nothing urgent ... The jig is up! ... Thumb's up! ... A joke! ... Really weird, huh? ... Ugly Poop! ... Nothing deep ... Nothing simple ... Nothing much ... Nothing special ... Just anything! ... Nobody knows ... As it is written, so it shall be done ... How chic ... Nothing fatal ... Think big!

"So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" [To a little boy]

—A bunny rabbit.

"How about you? – What do you want to be when you grow up?" [To a little girl]

—Dangerous.

"Youth is wasted on the young." (–George Bernard Shaw)

—"The older I get, the greater power I seem to have to help the world; I am like a snowball – the further I am rolled, the more I gain." (–Susan B. Anthony)

"You're like a refreshing child."

—You quit too soon.

"You're a refreshing child."

—This is the difference between girls and boys: Boys' feet never get hot.

"I've had it; I'm leaving!"

—With the baby?

«What to say when someone says "what's up, smart-ass?"»

—The return of the market ... Anyone else?

"What's up, smart-ass?"

—Try to be fair.

"You break me up."

—Don't make me cry.

"I'll pay you to watch me jerk off."

—I would seek professional help.

"You're so literal-minded."

—Don't tell me about a bicycle in the basement of the Alamo.

"Or conceited."

—You have to admit it.

"I don't want to be conceited anymore."

—It's just dangerous.

"Whassup?"

—You don't want to go there.

"Hey, man, what's up?"

—Because you're smart.

"So, Charlene, what's up?"

—The more I work in school, the more they hit me!

"To what do we owe the pleasure of this call?"

—Let's talk about this or that.

"Why should I make an exception?"

—There's a lot of things people can't do.

"I'm just a whore, what can I say?"

—You can do anything if you love your mother.

["The people from Japan are the nicest people in the world."] "Maybe I'm the exception!"

—You're out to pasture.

"I'm not a people person."

—We'll find out ... We know you killed Christ ... Don't worry about it ... A lot of people had a hand in it.

[Someone trying to speak for you]

—I never thought of that.

"Nothing. I'm just thinking."

—I think there's just one thing you should be afraid of ... It's really bad.

"I know I'm weird."

—You know what happens when you get three houses? (You get a hotel!)

"Oh! I dropped that. I'm a mess today."

—Not that.

"I'm being a pain in the butt, aren't I?" [From a four-year-old]

—Are you finished scaring me?

"How come you're so tall?"

—Do you think this is something new?

"How's the weather up there? [To a tall person]

—Someone has to guide you from the ground.

"You're saying I'm not smart?"

—Every horse has its stall, every pig has its pen, every bird has its nest, and life knows best what is right.

"I'm going to get you, sucker."

—Are you still afraid of monsters?

"Whoever is defending her is just like her." [Palestinian victim of a so-called "honor killing."]

—You should see The Thief of Baghdad: There's a jinni in it and a thief; a little bad boy flies out on a magic carpet and saves the world ... Learn how to say, "You sleep under camels with your mouth open" in Arabic.

"I'm going to kill you and your children." [Continuation of road rage, to a traffic court judge]

—They like to scare people.

"I'm speechless."

—All of a sudden.

"I could see how you could use this in your day-to-day life."

—That's the whole thing, to get the use of your mind.

"I'm really disappointed by your decisions."

—It's like an act of treachery.

"Best words to say for breaking up with a girl."

—Je regrette ... I'm sorry ... I'm in love with someone else ... someone from my past ... What you call love is sucking the life out of me ... mosquito.

"You're breaking my heart."

—You and many people.

"You're no Jack Kennedy."

—He was ahead of our times.