"You know what your problem is?"

—What's wrong with being free? ... They laugh their troubles away! ... Do you know what the Tree of Hope is? ... A stump ... Now it's a stump.

"I know a professor who worked there [your Alma Mater] – He said all the students were lazy and stupid."

"You want someone who's nice to the kids ... (If nothing else, it'll keep 'em off the street!)

"I don't know what your problem is."

—Alone & as is ... The Eskimo Rules.

"BAD! ... BAD! ... BAD!" [Including vigorous finger wagging, from a wacky pedestrian]

—Blessed are the simple-minded.

[A pedestrian pounding the side of your car]

—A lot of people must do that.

"Do you think you're a real man now?"

—Dead men tell no tales.

"Are you two going to start sucking each other's dicks?"

—Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

"What I like is that you're always flying by the seat of your pants."

—Whenever I want to feel small.

"I have a confession to make."

—You don't have to.

"You know, you've been such a nice person explaining that to me, I promise to give you a complete blowjob! I mean it, a total blowjob!"

—What I really want is a beer and sandwich.

"Have you ever been robbed?"

—Just a maddening mother – Very narcissistic.

"What do you do when someone's sitting in the back seat holding a cocked gun to your head?"

—Wait until you meet someone better.

"I won't bother you anymore."

—Not me.

"You were in the Marines?"

—I was a seagoing bellhop.

["Welcome back to the United States!"] "No problem."

—Just starting off.

"Sure – Not a problem."

—You just keep going.

"No problem."

—Every little thing adds up.

"You have a problem with that?"

—Never have.

"What's your problem?"

—Your future ex-wife! ... As somebody once said ... Delay, deception, and denial.

"I don't want my lawn to grow." [As the wind carries a light spray from your garden hose over onto their property]

—At least you know what you're not missing.

"Oh, boy!"

—Don't tell me what that means!

"Oh, shit!"

—The theater is filled with treacheries.

"Oh, my God!" [A child looks into your not-so-evil soul]

—It's stranger than you think.

"Oh, for Christ's sake!"

—Nothing's right.

[Oaths and curses]

—What are you afraid of?

"Oh, go away!"

—I don't want to hurt your feelings.

"Oh, fine, you're right ... I'm passive-aggressive."

—The entire thing might be a lie, you know? [They're so tough & mean (to themselves!) they don't even know they're hurting other people]

"She should understand the value of an education and pay her own loans."

—You should understand the value of a human brain.

"You are being controlling and passive-aggressive."

—Are you downsizing?

"Get away! – You bother me, kid."

—If this was fairy-tale land, the sky would have fallen already.

"Hello, boys." [Ignoring you, talking to your dogs]

—They're coming to get you!

[Someone leering at your wife or daughter in your presence]

—You have no idea.

"You know, sometimes I think you're a faggot."

—Did a priest get you when you were seven?

"What are you, a faggot?"

—There aren't many straight arrows in this world.

"There's only one thing that's important, and that's looking at girls' heinies!"

—I'm not exactly a bathroom man, either.

"Let's get one thing straight: You live here because I say you can live here."

—Beggars can't be choosers.

"Do you want some candy, little girl?"

—Just checking out.

"Call some more cabs, asshole! – The lot is empty."

—I might try it.

"Well, it's more your taste than mine." [Scowling sourly at the cameo brooch you saved up for and bought for your mother when you were fourteen years old]

—Oh, I have to go to the bathroom – That must be it [Then go to your room]

"What's the matter, you going faggot?"

—You know, Bambi's cute ... Try to resist.

"Faggot!"

—Drive yourself crazy.

"Hey, you faggot!" [High School students passing in the hall]

—No charge.

"YOU! – I'm talking to you!"

—Strong as a bull and twice as smart.

"Are you talking to my girl?"

—You're a spinning magnet in the coil of passion.

"I'm talking to you, asshole."

—There are so many people now.

[A bully punching you on the shoulder as his posse stands around] "Do you have a problem with that?"

—It's preposterous.

"Was I talking to you?"

—What else is there to say?

"Well, I think it is a problem."

—I'll bet you do!

"Old man, come here!" [From a bunch of Japanese kids "disposing of society's trash"]

—Maybe on a really bad day.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

—You don't want to sell me death sticks. You want to go home and rethink your life.

"It was the thought that counts."

—Just over the edge.

"They're so gorgeous – They certainly don't look like you." [Your newborn twins]

—Buckets of light.

"I am embarrassed for you and consequently for the family as well."

—Can two spiders share the same web?

"I heard you're after a new girl here. It looks like you don't like the girl I recommended. Anyway, the girl you're after is not quite bad. She never rejected anyone before."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"That makes me look bad."

—You can really get in trouble.

"I feel bad."

—Just eating red meat.

["I'm not a nightmare, am I?"] "Just a bad dream."

—You have to learn how to forget it.

"Not bad."

—Something real.

"You're a bad girl."

—I wouldn't say that.

["I love you."] "How embarrassing."

—Who isn't and so what?

"I hate walking down the street with you – It's so embarrassing."

—Looking for fudge in all the wrong places.

"Not bad, for a girl!"

—It's the animal in me.

"I've got to kiss up to the sergeant." [At a Police Department coffee break]

—Got any cherry pie? That's the blood from my broken heart.

"It's good to see you did one thing right."

—Don't say anything to anybody.

["Your warning sign is not where anyone would see it."] "That's not my problem."

—Some things are right and some aren't.

"After twenty-four years, does the sex go bad?"

—[After a pause] What do you do when someone insults you or tells you you're no good?

"Kansas – That's not a bad place."

—It's blessed.

"Wow! Your neighbor's house is even nicer than yours."

—That's really living!

"Unfortunately, yesterday one of your partners at Yellow Cab – 2829 – got exasperated with the traffic and was driving very unsafely."

—We keep him in a cage in the back.

"You're a wage slave."

—I'm in for it.

"Hey! This tastes good for a change."

—The less you know, the better.

"Excellent."

—That's normal.

"I don't know where your partner is there – He's probably off having lunch someplace."

—What about making money?

"Cancer."

—Everyone knows me – Everyone hates me!

"If you had half a brain, you'd be dangerous."

—Resourceful and spontaneous.

"It's kind of dangerous to be driving around in this all day."

—My body is my temple.

"A little dangerous."

—So what do you want to know?

[Finding your wife half under a blanket with someone else]

—Hey! That's not fair!

"You can't copy me, man!"

—Perfect form.

"What a guy! What a man!"

—I'll let you think about that.

"I came back, man! It's cool! It's cool!"

—Life is like a boat – It's easy to drown.

"He kicked me out last time I was here!"

—No reason for it.

"I'm not a dangerous person!"

—It's a skill.

"Do you think I'd hurt you?"

—I had a bad childhood.

"Hey, man, it's all right! I'm cool."

—Once you realize we're all lunatics, you do all right.

"We could stand toe-to-toe like this for hours, the way they did in old vaudeville routines."

—Don't let frenzied sea creatures deter you!

"Girls can do anything."

—The word is perfect.

"I don't go out with boys."

—They take your life away, don't they?

"I'm sure you'll find plenty of other girls out there, so ...."

—What a way to go!

"You remind me of Forrest Gump."

—I've arrived.

"See ya', wouldn't wanna be ya'!"

—So low-class.