|
TRICKS
|
WINGS
|
IDEAS
|
|
"YOU LIE!" [Representative Joe WIlson from
South Carolina, heckling the President of the United States during a major
address before Congress]
|
—Au contraire.
|
—You're going about it the wrong way. You're not supposed to go
up the ladder. You're supposed to go down the ladder ... It's a little
tricky.
|
|
"Berkeley Tenants Survey 2009 ... (25.) What was the approximate
total income for your entire household
before taxes in 2008? ... (42.) The first 400 people to return their completed
survey will receive a [five dollar] gift card for one of the following
Berkeley businesses. (circle the business you prefer) (A.) Peet's Coffee
& Tea (B.) Pegasus Books."
|
—That'll help.
|
—Even the dog is laughing.
|
|
"Department of the Treasury - Internal
Revenue Service ... Notice of Levy
on Wages, Salary, and Other Income ... Date: 05/28/2009
... Yellow Cab Cooperative, Inc. ... Total Amount Due $21,942.01 ... Automated
Collection System ... Tables for Figuring Amount exempt
from Levy on Wages, Salary, and Other Income
... Filing Status: Single ... Pay Period: Monthly ...
$779.17 ... Signature of Service Representative: R.
M. Owens ... Title: Operations Manager, Collection
... Form 668-W(c)"
|
—That'll help.
|
—If rich people spend money, it's sound business ... If poor people
spend money, it's a crime ... or hobby! ... My monthly rent
is $1200.00 ... Monthly-income-to-be: $779.17 ... Maybe someone will give
me a two-dollar tip! ... Once you see workers, you take their side
... "There's an old saying that victory has 100 fathers and defeat
is an orphan." (–President John F. Kennedy, 1960) ... When I
have money, I just spend it ... I spend it as fast as I get it
... "No Sweat — Just Flunking Stress Tests" (–U.S.
Government) ... You have to spend money to make money.
|
|
"Department of the Treasury - Internal
Revenue Service ... Taxpayer's Copy
of Notice of Levy ... Date: 07/04/2008 ... Bank of America
NT & SA, Los Angeles CA ... Total Amount Due $21,044.06 .... Although
we have told you to pay the amount you owe, it is still not paid. This
is your copy of a notice of levy we have sent to collect
this unpaid amount. We will send other levies if we do
not get enough with this one ... Signature of Service
Representative: R. M. Owens ... Title: Operations Manager, Collection
... Form 8519 (Rev. 01-01) 63518R"
|
—That'll help.
|
—Bad doesn't describe it ... It just sits there forever ... It's
amazing ... The real way to be a crook is to pay your taxes ... I'm not
able to ... (All I have in the bank is $2.55)
|
|
"Bank of America ... RE: Reference # L071408000811 ... Dear Valued
Customer: ACCOUNT # *********6327 ... AMOUNT DEBITTED $2.55 ... We have
been served with an IRS Levy in the
amount of $21,044.06 naming you as a debtor. In accordance with Internal
Revenue Service regulation, we have
charged your account(s) in the amount of $2.55 for payment
of the IRS Levy. Please note, in addition,
we have charged your account a $100.00 nonrefundable
processing service charge ... Dave Rojas."
|
—That'll help.
|
—Somebody has to pay ... They see you as slaves ... They can just
be ditzy ... You don't have to do that ... You just have to have
enough money to torture people when you die ... They have no character;
they have no real values in life ... They're in a silent movie –
a German insane asylum ... The smart thing to do is stay out of the
way.
|
|
"You've heard of mental depression; this is a mental
recession ... We have sort of become a nation of whiners
... You just hear this constant whining, complaining
about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline."
(–Senator Phil Gramm)
|
—Au contraire.
|
—What would the world be like if morons couldn't make money?
|
|
"I have immortalized us in taxi1010.com" [Link]
|
—It's easy.
|
—It's an attitude about taking care of yourself.
|
|
"If there hasn't been a film made including this yet, I think I've
found the get-rich-quick scheme to end all get-rich-quick
schemes." [Link]
|
—That'll help.
|
—Now, like the Mafia, I'm waiting.
|
|
"Can't you get one of your sisters to send you money?"
|
—Au contraire.
|
—Don't worry about it until something happens, that's my advice.
|
|
"What is the best way to stay in my own place and not get all swept
up in the communal fervor of the group
hysteria?"
|
—It's easy.
|
—Reach out and touch someone else.
|
|
"You're really in to money!"
|
—That'll help.
|
—There's no rush ... It's not worth discussing ... Make enough money
to live on, and don't let anyone cheat you.
|
|
"Someday, fink, I'm going to take care of you!"
|
—No reason.
|
—You think you know everything, but you don't.
|
|
"Give me your lunch money!"
|
—Au contraire.
|
—Yeah, okay ... I don't get too much ... What quivers and shakes
at the bottom of the ocean? (A nervous wreck!) ... Because we live in
the backwaters ... People who realize they'll never better themselves
... We're oily, too!
|
|
"So if someone says, 'Give me your lunch money!'
what do you say?"
|
—It's easy.
|
—Closer and closer to the source! ... It was on the news ... That's
what you get for having a good mind ... Today's child.
|
|
"Do not ignore the enclosed notice! Failure to
contact us could result in the Franchise Tax Board attaching
your wages, filing a lien against your property, seizing
your property or levying your bank accounts."
|
—That'll help.
|
—Sometimes you're a lot better off not owning anything.
|
|
"Lower the price to four hundred dollars –
Then you can get a roommate."
|
—That'll help.
|
—And then you're in a coffin in the middle of the room?
|
|
[A baby takes one look at you and starts screaming]
|
—Au contraire.
|
—I haven't heard THAT in a long time.
|
|
"How long? How long before you make a million?"
|
—That'll help.
|
—It's like making a kid kiss the dead people.
|
|
"Order to Withhold Personal Income
Tax Effective for One Year – Date: 04/18/08 – Tax year(s): 2005,
2004 – Amount Due $1,626.99 – This order to withhold
has been issued under authority of Sections 18670, 18671, 18672, and 18674
of the California Revenue and Taxation Code to the addressee
shown above to enforce payment of an amount due for California
Personal Income Tax. The addressee is required to: 1.
Withhold 25% of any payments now due and any payments
becoming due to you during the year following receipt of this Order. 2.
Continue withholding until 1) the amount due shown above
has been withheld, (2) this Order is withdrawn
by this department or (3) this Order has been in effect for one year,
whichever occurs first."
|
—Au contraire.
|
—You've given me too much! ...
When I woke up today – Talk about drifting! – half the
boat was gone ... Thank God no one was running through the house yelling,
"The water has turned to gold!" ... Do whatever you do with
your receipts ... Just let things go ... Right, captain? ... I wonder
how many people have ripped this ... That's the beginning of modern
art ... It's very nice, because I don't have to do anything ... These
guys know what they're doing ... They're so rational ... What do you need
money for? ... I'm not going to cheat you.
|
|
"I think you are making life a lot more difficult
than it needs to be."
|
—Au contraire.
|
—Almost never.
|
|
"You've got to learn this by now, Matt! It's not that difficult."
[Skipper in a sailboat race, and it's a small boat]
|
—Au contraire.
|
—Everybody learns many things.
|
|
"So how do you make money off of that?"
|
—It's easy.
|
—Sometimes you spend a lot of money to make a lot of money.
|
|
"Do you make any money from it?" [The website]
|
—It's easy.
|
—What do you care? – You're rich!
|
|
"How do you make money?"
|
—That'll help.
|
—It's the first business that never made any money – since
the Church!
|
|
"Are you spending very much money?"
|
—No reason.
|
—I figured that out.
|
|
"When's it gonna make any money?"
|
—That'll help.
|
—Don't worry about it.
|
|
"Hey, Grandma! I took the tape off."
|
—Au contraire.
|
—We're rich – We don't have to do that.
|
|
"How can you be so detached?"
|
—It's easy.
|
—When you move to California, everything looks real.
|
|
"That's where the money is."
|
—It's easy.
|
—You're way ahead of me.
|
|
"There's a lot of money in that."
|
—That'll help.
|
—It's more prestige than money.
|
|
"Don't leave your money there." [On the windswept
table]
|
—That'll help.
|
—Don't pay bills you don't have to pay.
|
|
"There's a lot of money in there." [Your recipe]
|
—That'll help.
|
—Why should everything have to be easy?
|
|
"So sue me."
|
—No reason.
|
—I have much more money than I deserve or need.
|
|
"Your submitted site has been rejected because
of language. The following words were found which rejected
this site: (asshole) Remove the words that rejected the
site and resubmit it."
|
—Au contraire.
|
—Whatever it changes to, (shit) will come out (If it's an asshole!)
|
|
"You are not approved for membership in the club."
|
—Au contraire.
|
—It's a hard thing to be subject to the review of others.
|
|
"What would you do if I hit you?" [From a
karate instructor]
|
—No reason.
|
—Funny what makes you happy – Wouldn't you rather be down
at the Black Pussycat Café having a beer or something?
|
|
"Are you trying to set me off kilter?"
|
—No reason.
|
—Are your bolts itching?
|
|
"That means a big earthquake is coming?"
|
—No reason.
|
—That's what a little eight-year-old girl would like —
They go from there.
|
|
"The thoughts expressed in your letter appear to be the rantings
of an unstable person."
|
—Au contraire.
|
—Are you kidding me?
|
|
"YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU LIED TO ME!"
|
—Au contraire.
|
—How could you tell me that?
|
|
[Unintelligible mumbling] "HOW COULD YOU HAVE LIED
TO ME ALL THIS TIME?"
|
—It's easy.
|
—Cats are slinky.
|
|
"Don't lie to me!"
|
—No reason.
|
—The truth shall make you free.
|
|
"Stop the rhetoric — This issue is about
smoking."
|
—Au contraire.
|
—Sorry — I couldn't help myself.
|
|
"Stop fuckin' breathin' on me."
|
—Au contraire.
|
—I'm surrounded by assassins! [Jimmy Durante voice]
|
|
"Move that fucking car!"
|
—That'll help.
|
—What a scene, huh?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Some people say our civilization comprises men and women whose intelligence
has reached an evolutionary step into our future, maybe like people from the
28th Century, along with the equivalent of 13th Century Romanian peasants, all
living alongside each other. This synthesis of peoples may be similar to times
when Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens occupied the same planet, which would not
be a problem if everyone was genuinely themselves. The trouble arises when people
base their self-esteem on what they know or don't know, or that they're right,
special, important, and good (along with the flip side — that they're
wrong, peculiar, worthless or bad) — when what we really are is alive.
Real self-esteem comes from realizing you're a person who is alive —
Anything more you can get creamed over.
In San Francisco, all the taxi drivers get together at the end of the day,
exhausted, to brag and compare notes. We count our Paratransit scrip, complete
our waybills, and find out how much cash we have left. It isn't much. One day,
as we stood in line to settle the daily contract, I noticed a bitter fellow
who viciously mocked the dispatchers and drivers, with a shrill voice that wasn't
even his. Essentially, he was using friendliness to discover things he could
mock.
In time, he approached me. He came on really friendly. Now what he didn't know
was that Mom's family comes from Maine, and I went to summer camp up there,
starting at the age of seven. Maine people have a way of sending signals and
laying traps. So when the fellow with the false voice approached me, I said
nothing. Week after week, with varying frequency, he would come up and ask me
a question, offer me a solicitous observation, or kiss my ass, and I said nothing.
One day he turned to Boris, a genuinely warm taxi driver from Russia, and shrilly
mocked, "This guy never talks to me."
17-JAN-2010.
