"What's new, Richard?"

—Especially for people who are living by the skin of their teeth.

"What's new there?"

—Just so much.

"What do you do for a living?" [To a six-year-old]

—Make friends.

"What was the weather like during the last week?"

—It was brutal.

"My God, you look terrible — Did you get any sleep last night?"

—And I'm looking forward to a long, rich, full life.

"When was the last time you saw Richard?"

—Squandering his inheritance.

"Picky, picky, picky!"

—Not that much.

"Don't be so picky."

—What do you get out of being good?

"Don't be picky."

—If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.

"Where's my friendship bracelet?"

—Think of something better to do.

"Have you met your new neighbors?" [Let's see ... the two girls who lived upstairs moved out ... no one else has actually moved in]

—In this country everyone's weird.

"Faith in what sense?"

—Where would you look inside if you were going to look for something?

"What's new in the world?"

—The meek shall inherit the earth. (Psalms 37:11)

"So, what's new?"

—Day and night.

"Anything new?"

—Nothing we haven't planned for.

"Well, is it something new?"

—At least it's different.

"This is new!"

—It's a huge success.

"What are your New Year's resolutions?"

—To make love to as many different women as possible.

"How's your wife?"

—Life is like that, too.

"How's your husband?"

—Suddenly sensitive.

"I don't want to get undressed in front of him ... I don't want him to see me."

—You're safe .. I'm sure you'll work it out ... I'm sure we're going to see the burning bush pretty soon!

"Hide! – I don't want him to see you!"

—This is where I've learned everything.

"I stand corrected."

—I don't have to be right.

"I looked at your website the other day."

—It's many things.

"What is meant by the stargates?"

—People don't have thoughts and feelings — They have realizations.

"Non-escalating Verbal Self-Defense — What is that?"

—Tonic, we call it — It's an old-fashioned art.

"You were nice to her! — You don't want to ruin your reputation."

—It's gonna break your heart!

"You do have a reputation."

—But, that's the story!

"Tell your wife that one."

—What a good story.

"Since when?"

—I will put this in my garden of wonders.

"It must be so hard for you since your parents got a divorce."

—It isn't — I don't suffer THAT much.

"Where would you like to go if you could go anyplace?"

—It's very, very close.

"How was your honeymoon?"

—Highly recommended.

"I love the smell in here! — It's very grandfatherly."

—Did someone step on a duck?

[Fart!]

—Always blooming.

"How's that pretty wife of yours?"

—She talks about you all the time. She says, "How's that stud?"

"What's she see in you, anyway?"

—True colors.

"So, when is the market going to slip?"

—Big mystery.

"What do you do all night on the Internet ... besides go to porn sites?"

—You should get a book on Japanese farmhouse architecture.

"Period. End of story."

—We're through for the week.

"Are we done being neighbors for now?"

—You're supposed to do what's good for your life.

"May the force be with you!"

—Even now.

"Live long and prosper."

—Lots of luck.

"Brother, keep the faith!"

—As long as you're alive, you're doing all right.

"Fuck me!"

—If you don't have four tickets to the Sharks, you're not a real man!