"Can I try out your earpods for just forty-five seconds? – I want to test them to see if something's wrong with mine." [Five days later a technician at Apple Computer finds earwax plugging his left earpod – That's what he hadn't looked for or seen – CONTRARY TO WHAT YOUR KINDERGARTEN TEACHER MIGHT HAVE TAUGHT YOU, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHARE!]

—You know what? I'm not your guy ... I hope you don't feel too bad ... I don't want to hurt your feelings and I don't think I did ... Everyone has their own way ... Do you clean out fireplaces, too? ... Nothing wrong with it ... Being human ... No deep shame ... I can't ... Its not so easy to do ... Thwarted again! ... Only with crappy stuff and lots of it! ... Hope it doesn't hurt your feelings ... They should have a central clearing house ... Well, I know how you feel – I don't have any money – I go around barefoot ... Now you know how God feels ... Jump up and grab the little toe of God!

"You've got a one-track mind."

—Better than the Church! ... Where there was darkness, let there be words ... You're angry at your mother for not feeding you.

"The most important thing in life is having a child."

—Tell it to the Pope! ... They have an expression in Italy: "The Pope is dead, so find another." ... Don't have kids until you can afford a Mexican maid full time ... Monetary shortfalls ... One family's enough ... Anyway, five dollars won't really help us out.

"You guys always have some slick answer."

—If you put your finger on it, it's soup.

"I thought he was a new kind of politician. But instead, his campaign and the people working with him have focused almost exclusively on personal attacks ... It's really disappointing." (–Mitt Romney, referring to ads from an independent super PAC, August 8, 2012)

—Put down the gun. Don't shoot anybody! What are you doing?

"That guy's a fairy." [In passing]

—What would I do now?

"Do you wear a kilt?"

—It's very authentic.

"Ooo, something for Vogue! – Wearing flip-flops at the airport – You're styled out!"

—What others only dream of.

"I've been looking around that site, and can't understand it for a second. Maybe I'm just a dummy, but seriously, it's making no sense."

—Allow your deeper parts to see the light of day.

"Old habits die hard."

—Everything but religion.

"Slut!"

—No thanks!

"Are you gay?" [From your mother, who's trying to "out" you before she dies]

—That's strange, coming from you ... There's very good old movies ... A totally different person ... As a matter of honor ... I know you don't like it, but that's it.

"ARE YOU QUEER? ARE YOU QUEER?"

—I'm straight, but I'm not narrow.

"Are you queer?"

—I'm a complete stranger – Why would you ask me something like that?

"Are you gay?"

—Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?

"You must be gay."

—There may be competition.

"Tell me the truth – Are you gay?"

—Craving power ... That's no good ... Everyone else is anyway ... There's something better ... Don't give me a hard time! ... Don't ask questions! ... I only tell really special people ... Paul Bern was a fairy ... Just charming! ... He died before I was born ... Put up or shut up! ... You have to let someone else take care of the baby ... It's too hard ... If you want to do it, you can ... I'm not missing anything except death ... Everyone thinks they're entitled ... Before anything!

"Definitely a faggot."

—(1.) You bet! ... (2.) Wrong again! ... (3.) Total waste ... (4.) No worse! ... (5.) SCREW THAT!

"So gay!"

—(1.) We're safe ... (2.) Try harder! ... (3.) Just unbelievable ... (4.) Something intelligent.

"That's so gay."

—The secret tunnel ... You know, sniffing begins at home.

"Are you one of those faggots?"

—Creepy enough – Now don't bother me anymore!

«Verbal self defense techniques against gay bashers»

—How so? ... It was that kind of party! ... Give it up, buddy! I like women ... Is sex dirty? If it's done right! ... Language is an orgasm ... Stop! And go-o-o-o-o! ... The ultimate gotcha! ... You don't want to corner people ... Just give people a break, there's a lot in that ... Honor someone ... Who can you hate? ... Life has the potential for being brutal and surprisingly short ... The question is, how do you answer that question? ... I identify with men, not for sex, for strength! ... How lame are you? ... You're treading on dangerous ground ... Do not invest in great piles of manure ... Helping others is the way out ... No illness too big; no nut too small ... I'm a patient, myself ... If you know deep down that everybody feels they don't fit in, you learn kindness ... I choose hell! [rather than suicide] ... It's not for me, and I hate taking messages ... You think you're smart. Well, I'll show you and your dog! ... Does anyone see a big mosquito? ... He'll save the world! ... It's getting down to the bottom of the barrel now ... I don't need pockets, I have a son! ... I cook better food than you can find in any restaurant ... It's between the legs.

"Jane, you ignorant slut!"

—Peanuts.

"Irish slut!"

—MISCOMMUNICATION, anyway ... It's just another day in paradise.

"Eww. Slut!"

—Oh, yeah. Oh, easy.

"You're a slut."

—Let's call it very fast-track.

"What are you, a child?"

—Keep your eye on the sky.

"She looks a lot like my child."

—Don't they?

"That looks like a necklace in our family for two generations."

—I doubt it.

"Is that my notebook? I have one just like it."

—Get out of there!

"When is Broadway going to recognize my incredible dancing skills?"

—A giant mouse.

"If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen."

—Everyone's frustrated.

"Can't take the heat."

—He wants that Soylent Green, man!

"I'm waiting to see what my next medical problem will be."

—Don't hurt yourself.

"I've lived with you a year – I know all about you."

—It's very Latin to be rational in little things and totally irrational in big things.

"Because of all the Blacks voting in Vermont." [Sarcastically]

—They'll clear it up sooner or later.

"You are right; we need you to remind us of the weakness of the general methods, but you cannot throw the baby out with the bath water."

—If there is one.

"What are you looking so smug about?"

—Don't hurt your head!

"Clueless! Get a clue."

—Every ball of string unravels.

"You really don't have a clue."

—Who do you think you're talking to? Can I talk to someone who treats me with kindness and respect?

"You're like me – totally clueless."

—What about me?

"You're not telling me the truth."

—Be specific.

"Here's your special sandwich – That's what we're charging you for."

—What you eat when you're little, you like your whole life ... If you liked it when you were little!

"I knew you were going to say that."

—Want me to say it again? – You'll be right twice.

"You have enough troubles."

—Going on three.

"Enjoy those nuts!" [They taste terrible! – The bag reads, "Best by 2006 FEB," a year earlier]

—"I wonder what it's like to have squirrels living in your skull." (–Dilbert)

"Excuse me, I was here!"

—I was, too.

"I DON"T WORK HERE." [Yet they're wearing a company uniform & ID card]

—What do you think about that, huh?

"You're not from here?"

—Every year you live, add another year to your life.

—When you look at things, look at things behind them.

"Some explanations are pointless."

—People know, who are in those circles.

"You've been spending too much time with your vibrator."

—I'm glad you're getting a sense of humor about it.

"Some problems don't have solutions."

—Don't read anything ... The Secrets of the Dead ... Each independently?

—Pink and silver with a little olive on it.

"So here we are, alone at last."

—Some things aren't like that.

—When people don't do things, it's because they're afraid to.

"You're probably the kind of person who would espouse partial-birth abortion as a form of birth control."

—Good God! – That's creative.

"Silence is betrayal."

—Take that and run with it!

"The only reason to buy a Prius is so you can drive around like a smug eco-holier-than-thou."

—Just like a cat ... Now, what color is your light? ... Are you a bird or a person?

"Are you really that insecure?"

—I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me? ... I don't think it's such a hot thing to be.

"You're so insecure about what I do at my work."

—You can't tell what other people are like until you know what you're like.

"You're disturbed."

—Like a father dead in the bathtub with blood all over the place.

"Do you work here?" [Farmer supply store]

—To a point, I'm sure.

"He called us airheads while you were gone."

—It's below that.

"You said all blacks are dumb."

—That hurts.

"This is the WASP cover-up."

—With no attention, no being.

"Uptight WASP."

—On the cutting edge of mental life.

"How literal."

—See yourself as an entire picture.

"You're too traditional."

—These are just skills – What does that have to do with being a person?

"The world is mine!"

—The world isn't yours, and it never will be.

"So no more accidents, huh?"

—Supposedly.

"Well, we just want to be kind and supportive."

—Just don't go into Russia.

"And you thought you had troubles."

—The best answer to a fool is silence.

"Why are you so threatened?"

—Some things you're afraid of, some things you're not afraid of – Do experiments.

"Why are you threatened by anyone different from you?"

—It's very frustrating to have to castrate yourself to get along with other people.

"So you have your whole life in a safe-deposit box."

—Everybody has something to conceal.

"Aren't you a little old to be here?"

—They have a never-ending cage of tests.

"Have you been following me?"

—I'm about as far away from that as you can get.

"Little Italy's not too big – It's a small area, right?"

—Where all the good restaurants are.

"You're not a football fan, huh?"

—I don't want to make any predictions.

"Queer."

—I am . . . weirder because of that.

"I think those women have very low self-esteem and the men who read them are degenerate." [Playboys]

—Maybe they'll retire.

"You're all gay!"

—The breeding season is starting.

"She's a real slut! The first guy was fucking her in the pussy; the second guy was fucking her in the ass; just before I broke up with her, she was down at the bottom of my bed licking my asshole; the next guy should think about that before they kiss her!"

—One more thing you have to worry about ... You go from rags to riches! ... Next time you call her, tell her to shit in her cunt and eat it! ... Don't forget your roots ... You got roots, too! ... Excuse me everyone, I have to leave now ... If you don't want to learn anything.

"You guys are going to start the third world war."

—You have to do things for yourself ... yourself and your family.

"I didn't come here to be insulted."

—Good. Most people don't.