"A sense of humor is knowing what's important."

—I didn't sneeze.

"Do you know you're in a crosswalk?" [From a wacky pedestrian]

—You'll do all right ... You're not a kid anymore ... I'm an American! ... Everyone has something wrong with them, and I stink! ... Maybe there something going on that you don't see ... Always butting in.

"Hey! Punch me in, too, will ya'?"

—Who else does?

"You can be replaced."

—They train you to work, shut up, and do what you're supposed to do.

"I'm saving myself for you!"

—Between you and me, I wouldn't bother.

"My microphone fell off." (–Carolyn Johnson, sexy co-anchor of ABC7 News)

—We'll put it outside the window.

"Richard will celebrate by wearing underpants on his head."

—I don't do that stuff.

"Have you been saving any money?"

—You can't act like a ninny.

"Let's see ... and your mother went to Wellesley?"

—That's the price of intelligence.

"The authorities don't seem to understand the way Twitter works. There's no provision in the law for people being hyperbolic, sarcastic or ironic. For a country that prides itself on its sense of irony, that is unfortunate." (–Padraig Reidy, news editor of Index on Censorship, a London magazine that covers free-speech issues)

—I'm in a minor rage.

["The freight trains headed north are all empty and the freight trains headed south are all full."] "Makes sense."

—The bottom fell out of the quail market.

"Keep people straight!"

—The more chaotic things are, the more a decent person can get by with a nice life ... Everyone who wants to can have a good life ... If you're clever, you can get through things ... The whole place is pink! ... Thank you for coming.

"You take care of all those bullies!"

—Thank you so much.

"So you're back online again? What a wonderful feeling, to be connected again."

—I'm a Colossus that strides two worlds!

"What do you do about bullies?"

—Get out of the way, hide ... That's right, hide! ... Vita umbrellis ... Life in the shade.

"Psst ... Susie! What's 12 + 7 ?" (–Calvin)

—A billion. (–Susie)

"You're not in our gang – This is a private club – You can't be a member." [To a four-year-old girl]

—One person could have changed your entire life.

"You're not a member."

—Stuck in my heart! ... N.I.N.J.A. – No Income, No Job or Assets.

"In your face! – Freak you!" [Middle school talk]

—Too bad, Gringo! ... The hand of Death will brush your wing ... Greed and fear run the world! ... Don't get into bad habits ... Poke out is better than poke in! ... Love knocks! ... I'd tell ya, but then I'd have to kill ya!

[Distraught woman whose dog has been bitten at the dog park]

—They're very mean people ... Very dry skin ... That's the kind of thing that never happened to us ... Yeah, and no one was there to take pictures! ... Who doesn't have AIDS? ... How about pictures of a beautiful doggie?

"My house, my rules – You're just a guest."

—It gets cheap really fast.

"You will abide by the rules of this house and respect people who are different."

—I just killed the Pope.

"It's our house and they have to respect it. It's our way or the highway."

—"The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet." (–Edward Thomas, 1917)

"How long, Sawyer? How long can we play house?"

—I'll give you two weeks' notice.

"It has to come from the heart."

—That's the best I can do, I think.

"You're all heart."

—Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

"You're sweet."

—The secret cheating ways to play ... See Kiss Student.

"The problem with crazy ... Is the vast volumes in which it comes. The only crazy site I've ever looked at for more than 5 minutes was taxi1010. I kept coming close - so close! - to grasping the logic of the place that I was teased to look a little further. Everywhere else is like this blog, just pages and pages and pages that might as well say 'crazy' over and over again for all the good it does me to look at them." [Further mention of taxi1010 at Portal of Evil - by Theocrat 12/30/05]

—A song goes round the world.

"You Chinese think you own everything – Get off my road!"

—There's very few left.

"Doesn't make any fucking sense!" [Viciously]

—What are you going to do?

"My toaster has been talking to me."

—Maybe they do ... Everyone's got things but us ... They break, too, you know? ... It's like Jack Nicholson visiting you.

"Is she adopted?"

—How long do you think that'll last? ... I know things about Jesus you'll never know ... There's nothing too advanced for children ... They're way ahead of us ... You may remember your birth.

"Crazy comebacks."

—Like a bolt action in a rifle.

"Mom, was I adopted?"

—Can you remember?

"There's a thesis right there. [At this website] I spent about five days winding my way through the obsessive links and trying to figure out the guy's modus operandi. It never happened. I mean, he's crazy as a loon, but he also seems to be entirely sane."

—If you sit in a hammock and read a book, that's one thing ...

"It kinda makes you wish you had schizoid tendencies, just so you could have your own self-imposed system of order to make sense of everything."

—If you hurt yourself, that's something else.

"Are you still watching that stupid show on 'Heart?'"

—Some small thing.

["Those are pictures of Virginia stabbing me in the heart."] "Virginia doesn't have a heart."

—Imagine having two of them.

"She doesn't have a heart." [Your girlfriend]

—What a society girl, huh?

[Dramatic laughter]

—It's funny, huh?

[Uproarious laughter]

—It takes all kinds, huh?

[Malevolent laughter just the moment you stop to adjust your belt]

—You will not look now! [Darth Vader voice] See? You're not looking.

[Vicious mock laughter]

—But you have to keep your eye on the sparrow.

"It stinks! – It's a fucking latrine."

—Everyone has bad days.

"Love stinks, baby!"

—It's not a bad thing to do.

"Grovel, Paris, grovel!"

—Too many things at once.

"Are you a member here?" [From an eight-year-old]

—For hundreds of years, for thousands of years!

"Well, I haven't ever seen you here before."

—Getting up there, guy!

"Were you invited?"

—From the middle of nowhere.

"Did you graduate?"

—Living dangerously, huh?

"Do you have a degree?"

—It's in the toilet.

"What did you get your degree in?"

—Having fun!

"That explains it." [Sarcastically]

—I try everything.

"I'm the only one – I keep saying something wrong."

—In just the right way.

"I think you're doing really good – Keep it up!"

—It doesn't take much, does it?

"Keep dreaming."

—Is that legal?

"Keep trying!"

—Lay low!

"As I thought ... your site identifies a long-standing pathology."

—I guess we'll see you on CNN Financial News.

"You gotta take what you can get."

—What time does the train pull out?

"You gotta love Mel Torme."

—It could be something from childhood.

"You gotta have dog food."

—What would Jesus do?

"Do you put toilet paper on so it unrolls outside or inside?"

—It's not my fault if I'm rich.

"I'm confused ... as usual."

—It's that time of year!

"Typical."

—This is my year of surprises.

"This is right up your alley."

—You can't ask for more than that.

"The people who work there don't like it if you call it an alley."

—The truth comes out.

"Oh, you're just like a member of the family!"

—Not your mother, I hope.

"Huh?" [Feigning innocence]

—And?

"You know, I should put my car up, huh?"

—You've got a date with destiny.

"You're just here to look, huh?"

—Where have I been?

"Getting tired of looking at all those cars, huh?"

—My karma ran over my dogma.

"No good, huh?"

—It started somewhere.

"Easy as that, huh?"

—People have been very kind to me, and told me what to say to nitwits.

"That's why you should have one in your garage."

—Sometimes love works.

"They've still got a lot of bounce to them."

—It's nature's way.

"We don't wear shoes in this house."

—But less.

"How's your house?"

—I'll have to build a bigger box.

"What a great day! Can't beat this!"

—Not lately.

"Beat you to it!"

—You can see the magic moment arriving, can't you?

"Yours is probably faster, anyway."

—Rich is the night, cocoa hue; tender delight, Afro blue.

"What does your husband do that drives you nuts?"

—It's better than being asleep.

"Are you nuts?"

—I didn't mean to insult you.

"Are you off your rocker?"

—It's camel time! No one's on time!

"Are u a virgin?"

—It's gorgeous ... I have no idea ... I don't know why they stick things where they stick 'em.

"Are you a virgin?"

—They lie!

["What is a nightclub?"] "Oh my god, you don't know what a nightclub is? You must be a virgin."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"Are you faithful?"

—Don't tip anyone off.

"Are you on glue?"

—You just think you're the only one.

"Are you sniffing glue?"

—People who do what they damn well please are lunatics!

"Popo Power is Putrid!"

—Like you!

"Hey, look at the freak!"

—A singing nerve!

"What a freak."

—Starved for affection.

"I don't know if you're being cute or crazy now."

—And aren't you lucky?

"You're crazy!"

—But you don't know on which side.

"You used to thrill me, baby."

—I'd like to run through your hair – barefoot!

"You used to be sort of a funny, charming, likable guy."

—You're kind of a burnt biscuit, aren't you?

"She used to be beautiful."

—Did it bring back memories?

"What's 2024 times 18 minus 100?"

—There are three kinds of people — those who can count and those who can't.

"What's it cost to bring up a web site?"

—It's fwee!

"It doesn't cost you anything?"

—A cut above the crowd, as they used to say.

"It's a cut above where you come from."

—Just like Rome – It's going.

"How much does it cost for a personalized tag like that?"

—Stifle your artistic impulses!

"You got a bottle of wine? $4.79?"

—It's that attention to detail – something small that's really expensive.

"Go that way if it makes you happier."

—That's quite a range, isn't it?

"Do you like lavender and sage?"

—What about your friends?

"How much does it cost?"

—Youth must be served.

"Everything is always under development."

—It's different stages.

"Is it all under control here?"

—Underneath it all.

"Under where?"

—I made you say, "underwear!"

"Am I the only person who can't figure out this verbal self defence site??? The answers don't make sense.??" [Link from one of the msn groups, entitled PSYCHOPATH]

—That's an old one for around here.

"I suspect this site makes perfect sense only after consuming a few of those funny biscuits they sell at 'alternative gatherings.' Any other time - what the?! Very odd."

—I must have grabbed it and eaten it in my sleep.

"Thanks for validating my reality!! I thought it was just me. LOL."

—Okay! Another adventure in stupidity.

"I'd spend more time reading this site, but I'm worried that it would start to make sense to me: Taxi 1010" [Link from www.indexcards.com]

—Why take a chance?

"You're really sweet. I enjoyed tonight, too. But you know, we both have our lives."

—Someone nice gave me that.