"Never go shopping when you're hungry."

—It's very hard to sit back and watch someone suffering.

"Is this there's shopping and everything?"

—Blast off!

"Do you see what a pain-in-the-ass she is?" [Sideswiping his own wife]

—I'm keeping my end up.

"What's a woman?"

—A pig, a horse, a squirrel, a cat! ... They want a baby biologically and a victim socially.

"He's a major pain-in-the-ass." [Sideswiping her own husband]

—She's very good looking and she's very well-spoken.

"Wow! That's a bit harsh."

—Fall apart.

"What's your favorite response so far?"

—Drunk again!

"I'm going to make your life a living hell."

—You smarty! Join the Nazi Party!

"Good luck with the social engineering!"

—It's harder than you think.

"You do that so well, Barbara." [Making chicken noises on an NPR radio broadcast]

—Everyone will be doing it soon.

"The misfortunes of others are the taste of honey." [Japanese saying]

—Whoever said that was a very smart person.

"I have noticed that the three confirmed bachelors, you, me, and David, each have a sister we are close to, whereas the three of us who have wives or steady girlfriends, Jim, David, and Al, without exception, detest their sisters."

—Trouble and more trouble!

"Think of it this way: I hope you get charged for replacing the medallion, and for the shifts on Wednesday night, Thursday morning, Thursday night, and Friday morning."

—That was a killer! ... You cannot control someone else's behavior, but you can control how you respond to it.

"A warm person." [Sarcastically]

—It's asking for a miracle.

"If you're not confused, you're just not thinking clearly."

—That's where division of labor comes in – You do this and you do that.

"For some reason no gate is showing up." [The computer display on her side of the cashier's window]

—Take baby steps.

"Oh, can't get a date?"

—The slower the better.

"Well, at least they have firm ones." [The waitresses at Hooters]

—Nobody can do better than that.

"Let me just offer an advance warning to the old, big-spending, do-nothing, me-first, country-second crowd: change is coming." (–Senator John McCain, September 4, 2008)

—Butterfingers!

"Can I talk to you for just a minute?"

—Friday night would be good ... or Thursday night.

"You got a problem, bro'?"

—I usually know what I"m stealing.

"A waste of time."

—A lot of rich people owned islands.

"I spent a lot of time on this."

—It's beautiful.

"Do I look like a doorman?"

—It may come from jogging.

"Just a kid."

—Just one of the many.

"We create our own reality."

—A little flea bite.

"Noble."

—You're too good for me.

"You're a hell of a guy!"

—It goes both ways – Go to my gallery ... Tell them to give you my special price – You have good taste, kid! ... You always had good taste, kid.

"I think your sister's pretty."

—Why else?

"Oh, she had a little blonde moment."

—It's not that different from heaven.

"We have captured the American pilots, and we will be teaching them a lesson."

—We're not savages.

["It was so scary! I almost fell in front of the cable car!"] "I almost pushed you."

—It sneaks up on you, doesn't it?

"It happened for a reason."

—Then you get over it.

"Oh, I'm not going to leave him! – Not yet."

—What can I say?

"I think life is messy, complicated, and filled with grays."

—Pretend you don't have any money.

"I told him, 'That's not how you spell my name – I'm not going to MARRY you!'"

—Give other people a chance.

"I left instructions under there."

—Under where?

"I made you say underwear!"

—Sometimes we catch on kind of slow.

"Think white and get serious."

—And what about the metric system?

"And what about the metric system?"

—It's all fake.

[Any off-the-wall response]

—Did you ever go off on a tangent?

["I dreamt about you and your father two nights ago."] "Poor thing."

—It's so real!

"Oh, poor dogs!"

—That I know.

"Do you want a little kitty?"

—It's intimidating, isn't it? – Help me!

"A kitty looks pretty funny without fur – It looks like a chicken!"

—I think you're making a fashion statement.

"Let's confuse ourselves."

—Crossed wires.

"To read a website that befuddles and doesn't really amuse me, see http:// www.taxi1010.com/ stargate14.htm" [Link from Drew Vogel on WAIF 88.3 FM, SMACK IT CINCINNATI!]

—Which is worse?

"Taxi1010.com - someone figure out what the deal is and let me know ... I'm confused!" [Link from www.NoSarcasm.com]

—It looks easy, but very few people could do this.

"If you're not confused, you're not thinking."

—It's too bad it isn't true.

"Why do people pursue on bullying good people at work? – I think it is just their insecurity – I know it is all too clear this is an unjust tactic and it makes the workplace very unpleasant."

—It's a primitive thing, tribal ... It used to be all white ... For the long haul, does it make any sense? ... Very narrow ... You have to have a sense of humor about these things ... Sometimes the cure is a clean conscience.

"Why can't everyone just get along without making the workplace so difficult with the games they play? – That is not why we go to work – We are there to do a job."

—Just build a box around it ... A mystery box ... packed with insulation.

"Everything's getting very exclusive."

—Don't get sucked in.

"That's reassuring."

—No one would ever know.

["The service around here sucks!"] "How would you know? You haven't had any yet."

—You said it! I didn't.

"Is he dead yet?"

—A little funeral – I wish for him to die, and that your life is a party.

"Not my department."

—Who is better at earning a living and making their way in the world?

"You'd say anything to avoid a fight."

—At a certain point you can just let it go.

"I'll take care of the jokes, Bill."

—Poke's the name! Real sharp! Get the point? Am I bor-ing you?

"Don't be a wise guy."

—I'm not a rag – You can't tell me what to do – Put on the dog a little!

"Pretty feisty, Tim!"

—I think this is it.

"Thanks for your time, I am looking forward to your reply."

—You're not; a part of you is.

"That's a nice thing to say."

—What happens when you have to be all things to all people? – Subservient and friendly.

"See? I made him bow down!"

—Not everyone has my luck.

"Don't you want to live a life the way you want to?"

—At some level.

"A really developed culture there." [Palestinian West Bank, where they're killing each other]

—They want their kids to "be something," but this is very dangerous, because what do they want them to be? Miserable and hard working.

"That was a nice stop." [After coasting through a stop sign]

—I don't see this as an occupation.

"Have a good day." [From someone who actually is crazy]

—Why have one when you can have three?

"Good morning, Richard – Have a good day."

—How can it hurt?