"Are you still working on your scaloppini?"

—Trust me.

"Hello, big man!"

—Dude, you have no idea ... Right on! ... For sure ... Like, you know what? ... No worries.

"Is this to show what a big man you are, is that it?"

—Far be it from me to aggravate anyone.

"Is that big enough?"

—Most people are probably paying too much.

"Brace for impact." [Pilot to passengers of US Airways Flight 1549, ditching in the Hudson River, 16 January 2009]

—Mobbing: "There was shouting, lies, little tricks to try and undermine you, like setting demeaning tasks, changing your hours, always trying to put you down." ... Female colleagues stonewalled her, removed her name from circulation lists, hid her mail, removed paper from her desk, laughed in her face, blew raspberries at her, and told her, "You stink!"

"I Brake 4 Pussy."

—If you wish for it long enough, you get it! ... Don't give me a ticket ... I've still got my clothes on.

["I really like wild rice."] "Wild rice is hard to digest."

—They say they're cheaper by the dozen.

"Bogus!"

—What about me? ... Don't be so humble ... You're not that great.

"Don't judge me – Then you're smaller."

—Memory retrieved leads to paradise regained.

"Okay, stand!"

—Sit there and close your eyes.

"Last stop." [Men's urinal]

—We tried.

"Doesn't he look like a vice cop with that badge?"

—It has that element.

"We've got to stop meeting like this."

—So what's on your mind?

"You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak." [Abusive dialog from TuckerMax.com]

—Nice material! ... Just hurts! ... Stage directions! ... Where the mouse lives! ... Why aren't you in Bali sitting in a café watching women? ... Why should my brother die when a goat didn't?

"You laugh annoyingly."

—Probably with chicken fat ... You're so unfeeling, right? ... You've got ugly you'll never use ... Getting wise to that ... It turns you very brown and you can't wear clothes ... That's the river rats ... Getting manic over running away from feeling bad ... Something foolish ... It's marvelous; it's thrilling; it's mellow; it's beautiful; (Do you like me?) is the secret question ... A farmer found what he thought was a bottomless well. First he dropped a stone in, and never heard it hit bottom. Next he dropped a huge boulder in, and again, heard nothing. Finally, he found a gigantic tree stump and threw it in. Then a goat flew by and jumped into the well! As he was pondering these strange events, a herdsman came from around the other side of the hill and said, "Can you help me find my goat? I had it tied to a tree stump." ... Above heaven, God says God; Below heaven, he walks in dirt .... To be true to yourself is hard work – but it's wonderful work ... Why did the fucking cat fall out of the tree? (Because it was fucking dead!) ... Trained rats ... They've spent every bit of energy they've ever had pretending to be like other people ... Maybe I'll shit on the White House lawn and that's it ... You tend to forget how rotten kids are ... No matter what you do, they think you're a freak ... They're really frightened ... They try to be happy and they don't know how ... If a person attacks themselves, they don't have a self, and they have nothing else of any real value ... Foolish with a touch of doubt – then I'm a leaf in the wind!

"Fake! That is so fake!"

—I'm not as sensitive as you.

"Isn't it your job to get this done before it needs to go out?"

—I hope you make a lot of money!

"You've got a booger right here!" [Not actually – They're trying to "get you!"]

—I'm wise to you!

"If you were a gentleman, you'd back up and let me park."

—Waste a little energy.

"Go ahead and continue not to answer." (–Arlen Specter)

—That question cannot be answered in the abstract. (–John Roberts)

"That's unacceptable."

—Kick the can!

"Think fast!"

—Fuzakeru na! [Japanese: Stop your nonsense!]

"That was fast."

—Too good to be true.

"Clean your room!"

—When you take care of things, you're taking care of yourself.

"I don't think it's your mind – I don't think there's enough room in there."

—Makes us look busy.

"Bless this holy union in the name of the Father, the Son and Holy Ghost."

—I figure if anyone would live with me, they're insane.

"May God's light shine upon you."

—Now let's try something daring.

"Don't worry, I'll use protection."

—Do you feel that's the right way to talk to someone who feels hurt?

"Are they fake?"

—There's no need for that.

"Indy died."

—You never know.

"We're all gonna die soon; I will, you will, and it sure sounds like your son will."

—It's like foreign to you.

"So soon?"

—Much more!

"STOP THERE!"

—You seem to be doing all right.

"You can go around!"

—Comme ci, comme ça.

"GO!"

—C'est la vie!

"Go away."

—I get along with everyone.

"Oh, shut up! Please shut up! I can't stand the sound of your voice!"

—Thank you for touching me, beautiful person.

"I'm glad we're not making a movie – I don't like the sound of my own voice. [Also see Self-attack]

—Where in you is the doggie? Where in you is the duck?

"Thank God for dead soldiers!" [On a protest sign, at your son's funeral]

—People are imprisoned by their thoughts ... That's what they say about those missionaries ... They throw money around ... Don't even pay attention to that ... It has nothing to do with this ... Maybe somewhere else.

"That won't work with the people I know. They'll just look at you and say you're g@y."

—It's much different.

"Some cushy job you have."

—Sometimes I have that.

"I know what you're up to – I know what you're thinking, and I want you to stop it right now!"

—I'm sure you can see it.

"Richard, you finally got a calculator."

—It's like people-proof.

"There's something on my screen I want you to see." [A demure pinup]

—You need that.

"Indeed."

—Just don't say Niagara Falls.

[Instant Message with nothing but Smiley faces]

—No, no, ... Stick to black! [They're death merchants; they're dead and they treat people as if they're dead]

"Do you want me to leave the door open?"

—Is that a test?

"Baseball tickets yet?"

—I don't know about that.

"There you go."

—Here I am.

"There you go." [Disparagingly]

—An eye-opener.

"Don't let it go to your head."

—I don't want to ruin it.

"There you go – the first one-liner of the hour."

—Don't change horses in midstream!

"Well, I'll let you go."

—For now.

["She's our stealth neighbor."] "Oh, she just likes to take care of her kids and mind her own business – That's pretty nice if you ask me."

—Thanks a lot for telling me.

"Matt, Matt, you don't even – You're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they come up with these theories. Matt, O.K.? That's what I've done." (–Tom Cruise)

—I think I'll learn to say that.

"She doesn't understand the history of psychiatry in the same way you don't understand it, Matt. And to talk about it in a way of saying, 'Well, isn't it O.K.?' and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit responsible in knowing what it is." (–Tom Cruise)

—Does that bring up anything?

[A face all full of mistrust and reason]

—Good time for a vacation!

"I'm interested in what's real – not ideas."

—Maybe it's helpful in understanding yourself.

"How come no one's interested in being friendly to you?"

—It's handy, in case you didn't know.

"I'm not interested anymore."

—You can't smoke grapefruit.

"That's okay – It's not for you anyway."

—Hopeless and helpless, like a baby.

"Is that okay?" [Someone shortchanging you]

—You do the best you can with what you have, right?

"That's okay." [Not interested in even touching your business card]

—I'm trying to do things I never did before.

"Do you feel okay?" [Tilting their head]

—If you want to succeed in business, do nothing.

"Okay, I'll keep my mouth shut."

—Like a French landlord.

["How are you doing?" "Okay."] "Just okay?"

—Just lower your expectations.

"Is everything okay?"

—Everything's fine, we have nothing to worry about.

"Are you okay?"

—Hard to find out, isn't it?

"David said, 'Ask Richard! Richard knows everything.'"

—We don't want anything fancy, right?

"Looks aren't everything."

—In the jungle, why bother?

"Do I have to explain everything?"

—I'm tired of green.

"You know everything, don't you?"

—A fish is the sign of the fisherman.

"Don't you know everything?"

—It's better to be a moron who knows you're a moron than to think you're smart.

"I'm so sorry your daughter has AIDS."

—It's no picnic.

"Are you upset?"

—Someday – We don't know.

"My pizza is gone!"

—Gone forever.

"Don't give away the farm."

—Are you a handicapped tomato?

[Someone leaving you suspended mid-conversation]

—Well, there you go.

[Someone suddenly getting serious on you]

—Can't miss.

"What about people who blow themselves up to go to heaven?"

—It wasn't everything ... That's at least real ... You don't know what kind of families they had.

"I just think people should think for themselves."

—Why can't people help each other?

"Richard, will you please say the grace?"

—(1) My words rise up, my soul remains below. Words without a soul never to heaven go. (–William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act III, Scene 3) ... (2) Pick up the white man's burden: the fear of those you guard, the hatred of those you serve ... (3) In a world full of wolves, be wise as a serpent, and humble as a dove ... (4) Protect us from the little foxes, because our minds have little grapes ... (5) Thanks, dirt! You made my lunch ... (6) Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am ... (7) I'm still here, and I still need money.

"Let us bow our heads for a moment in prayer."

—That's what all the smart people do.

[Reverent prayer]

—No one cries out, "Where were YOU in the war?"

["Good night."] "Good-bye."

—It hurts.

"Good-bye, now!" [From behind you – as you're leaving a store]

—And I'm not coming back!

"It's okay – You're walking away from money."

—Nobody's perfect.