[A child alone on a grocery shopping cart drops a stuffed toy and points at it; you pick it up and hand it to the child, who cheerfully says, "Thank you!" Then the father races over and asks the child ...] "Did he knock that out of your hand?"

—Maybe that's your deepest wish ... You have to put yourself first ... You know, there's people who prey on people who don't! ... I wish for you to be open and full of joy! ... What are you telling me? ... Your mind is Moby Dick! One thing after another! ... The Pope approached the toilet: Nothing happened! ... The spirit of liberty is not being too sure you're right ... You know, you don't see candy cigarettes anywhere ... Somewhere in Texas there's a village missing an idiot ... Everything challenged! ... Unbelievable! ... That's not really true but I don't care ... Many don't! ... A little thing may be big! ... I don't want any of that fifteen mile bullshit! ... Is that fair? ... That question is so rude ... I'm an artist, not a criminal ... It wouldn't have happened if the baby had eaten celery and oatmeal! ... The best way is don't! [respond to things]

["Hope to see you again soon!"] "Socially or professionally?"

—The Shadow knows! ... I flew in that circle! ... Watch yourself at all times!

«Verbal defense to use when called a bad nickname»

—Cold comfort ... Put the spotlight on yourself! ... You can't like yourself all the time ... Shut up and fuck you! ... Don't ever do what Zorba the Greek tells you to do ... The Other.

"Your pores are really huge! I've got some concealer that could take care of that problem – it's like Spackle."

—What's in your scarpazoid?

"Fish-face." [From the 2012 documentary, Bully – See also stargate22, intimidation, lying]

—Very religious.

"Shut up, spaz!"

—Maybe I will ... What war?

"Squeeze your nose!" [Fresh crop of blackheads]

—It's like the mask.

"I dare you to give your husband."

—I just don't have the will power.

"Become the man that women desire."

—They're experts at compassion.

"Call from ... Oxford Law." [Caller-ID announcement off your answering machine]

—The Other.

"Did you leave a few bucks on the lid? – Just kidding!" [After using the men's room at a roadside gay bar]

—It's really homey.

"So simply because I'm a woman, I'm not permitted to speak?" [To a police officer, at a traffic stop]

—Try not to be too happy ... She's very strong ... She takes your cause as her cause ... She's got causes of her own.

«How to respond to verbal attacks and still get your point across»

—I got caught on that one before ... Just once ... Patently false ... Utter nonsense ... Not true at all ... Let it lie in the sun to rot ... Very unfavorable ... Get it over with! ... It's too expensive ... You see, there's a difference ... That's the mockup ... This is a breakthrough ... Festivities, ceremonies, taboos: That's your culture: True, good and beautiful! ... The perils of wrestling with a pig: You get dirty; the pig likes it ... They're always trying to drag you back into the snake pit ... They never let you go.

"Are women's reality shows neo-vaudeville or might they suggest a useful anatomy of hatred? I wouldn't watch so many if I didn't believe both were true." (–Virginia Heffernan)

—Mean and deceitful.

"For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country." (–Michelle Obama)

—It's really nice to see something real.

"Now that the shuttle has safely landed, the Navy is free to shoot down a disabled spy satellite."

—Very believable.

"Can't handle a strong woman, can you?"

—Maybe you could ... It is not what I would call life's most worthwhile thing ... Nail it up in your garage ... A natural little dog crucifixion.

"All you have to do is say yes or no."

—Take your pick.

"Are you getting any chance to write?"

—Amazing things! Things you wouldn't believe ... You can fool around and change it.

"Hey! You're getting a spare? Or you're going home?"

—Give up!

"You must be the arithmetic man –You add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance."

—That's what the basketball players do.

"pfeh. that's garden level. I shoot for the penthouse, baby!: www.taxi1010.com [you will not get the full flavor unless you attempt to navigate it, so click links] (and because he obsessively checks his referrers, there may be a Dumbrella link there shortly!)"

—Life is simple; people are complicated.

"Whoa. Eventually I gave up seeking rhyme or reason while trapped on a page of insults, so I went to the site map. And found that the entire site map is organized into... a tarot deck. Very intuitive. I hear that Microsoft is implementing the Tarot-navigation system in their knowledge base, actually."

—You're better off going along with life.

"What are good ways, or comebacks, to get rude people off your back?"

—Do you realize there's an audience here, and there's not much of an audience here?

"Stop caring what other people think – It doesn't matter."

—Love messages.

"You've got it made when you can fake sincerity."

—It's under water.

"Return to being a happier individual."

—You know, I feel I can lean on you.

"You're brutal."

—Had enough? Want to take a break?

"You ta-ta! You're not Sam!" [From a four-year-old playmate]

—You wish!

"How are you doing, sweetie?"

—Too young!

"What's up, babe?"

—I'm too young to be your babe!

"Come on, honey, don't treat me that way!"

—No, no! – The cord is cut.

"How much do you make every month, for nothing?"

—Do you need any?

"Okay, buster, let's see if you can make me laugh."

—I negotiate with terrorists.

"Make me!"

—A child is a slave.

"He looks like a girl!"

—You keep a person thinking, huh?

"He tells the truth when he's around you."

—If he can talk back or walk away, he's okay.

"He just does everything right."

—Stage directions.

"Is he with you?"

—The Trump of Death is his name.

"Dad, are you going out?" [He wants the house to himself]

—I wonder if it's tiredness or I have nothing to do?

"My dad can beat up your dad!"

—What about the cat?

"Question authority."

—Don't get other people to blame for your troubles.

"Here's where you earn your living as a political pundit."

—It's always wrong for a person not to use their abilities.

"Open-toed sandals – I don't know about that."

—That's why I'm lucky – I have my foot in some kind of door.

"Looks like you might be a star."

—We all are one way or another.

"There's a code – It's in the regulations."

—Far from it.

"Shame on you!"

—Very dramatic.

"She didn't have a chance."

—If we don't remember the past, we're condemned to repeat it.

"I had a chance to fuck her, and I didn't."

—There you go – Onward and upward.

"Everyone hates the music, Todd, and everyone hates you!"

—All night long.

"Do you smoke pot?"

—These days? – I forget.

"Mom, have you ever smoked pot?"

—Well, I used to play cards once.

"It's the product of years and years of a mind ravaged by drugs." [Link from The Brandon Abell Experience]

—If you take enough of a vacation from yourself, it won't have that power over you.

"Have you stopped taking drugs?"

—It's probably what parents call laziness or noncooperation.

"Are you still on drugs?"

—Am I missing something?

"While you're here, wanna take a hit on some weed?"

—I don't know what the problem is ... Now why? ... Eat strawberries, listen to records, go hiking, learn a lot ... No bullshit.

"To Jim R. Have you considered medication?"

—The party generation.

"Have you tried medication?"

—You're much deeper than you think you are.

"I recommend lithium."

—There's a new sensation.

"Anti-psychotics are really a must for you, man."

—Do it by moonlight.

"Drug abuse."

—Very few people have guided self-awareness.

"I'm not joking, I'm worried for you :("

—That's plenty good, huh?

—There's no need to.

"Are you still beating your children?"

—Let's not and say we did.

"When did you stop hating Black people?"

—I didn't get a chance.

"Good try!" [Presuming you were up to no good]

—If everything's wrong, what's right?

[Someone flipping you the bird]

—That's your IQ! Tattoo that on your forehead!

[The finger from a passing car]

—[Shoot energy up the right side of your spine, wag your index finger and scream, "AS IF!"]

[The finger]

—Quick reflexes! Stick it in your ear! Slit your throat!

[Finger wagging]

—Just keep it in mind!

"I probably should wash them first."

—Very few people have.

"What are you, my father?"

—Honor your mother and father; love your neighbor.

"You're not my father or mother!"

—When you're not attacking innocent people, what are you doing?

"Bob, is she giving you shit, or what?"

—Are you sure it's good enough?

"Is that your statement, or a question?"

—Give yourself time.

"You just coming in or just going out?"

—Better late than never.

"Did you write all that, or is it research?"

—Daily.

"Is it for fun, or do you generate any money from it?"

—I like living the life in the shade.

"Is this something original, or did you learn it from someone?"

—The land that time forgot.

"You go to work now or you go home?"

—When you work, work hard, and when you play, don't work at all!

"Is modern Japanese culture based on the spirit of the Samurai or on shame?"

—The surgeon believes that all that heals is cold blue steel.

"Is that good or bad?"

—I'm glad you're not the Emperor.

"Do they sweat a lot or are they just incontinent?" [Your wet dogs]

—They went swimming in Strawberry Creek!

"Is he a professional, or just somebody who likes coming to your door?"

—I know someone you could ask.

"Are you smiling at me or with me?"

—How much will you pay me to leave you alone?

"You should feel ashamed of yourself!"

—I don't want to hear about it.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself?"

—I'm ashamed because I hate myself! – Don't you think that's ironic?

"What's wrong, are you a lesbian or something?"

—They're just pretending they're hotshots.

"So you still haven't found a man who will marry you. What are you – a lesbian?"

—I'm dangerous Dan McGrew.

"Are you trying to seduce me?"

—The better the artist, the nicer the person.

"Did the ewe come out and visit you?"

—The future can wait.

"I bet you can't swim across."

—The best thing to do is nothing.

"I double dare you!"

—Why do you have to do what everyone else does? [Also see, Peer Pressure]

"A little bit of a chicken."

—Is he in town yet?

"Chicken!"

—Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? – No guts.