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Taunts, Insults or Attacks

Codewords Inside Aggressive "Tricks"

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The Way Out

 

CLINIC

PATIENT

DIAGNOSTIC

Patient refers to it as stargate-four-three

A Manipulator.3

Obliqueness.2

 

TOOLSET

INFORMAL FALLACY

 

—Leadership skills!

—Come with me! If we had time.

—I can only imagine.

SETTLE DOWN! 

Moxie's

Disease

 

Distraction — They try to yank you in all directions. They think their life is what happens— but their life is what they are. Don't try to measure yourself, ... or do this, or do that. You have to have faith in your inner person, and you have to stop expecting stuff on the outside. Try to absorb.

 

NOTES TO MYSELF

PSYCHOLOGICAL AGE

CLASS

[total world domination] - They're judging you on (1) your performance, (2) what you do, (3) what happens to you, or (4) what you know. Instead, see yourself as having an inner entity – a simple, sincere, honest entity inside that doesn't trust liars one bit – that needs nourishment. Nourish yourself.

The Age of Self-Expression, ages 8-11

Rules

 

 
 
 
 
 

Exactly what someone said [or did]
... usually not very original.

The thoughts of a "bad child"
... to free your mind again.

TRICKS

WINGS

IDEAS

"Now I'm excited."

—I can only imagine.

—And I thought you were Lockinvar – "Oh, what a tangled web we weave When first we practise to deceive." (–Derived from Canto VI, XVII, in the epic poem Marmion: A Tale of Flodden Field, by Walter Scott, Edinburgh, 1808)

"It's got you excited."

—I can only imagine.

—Some people go a lot farther on their EQ than on their IQ.

"You don't look Italian."

—Come with me! If we had time.

—Who knows what that means?

"Look at the note he wrote!" [Laughing as they begin reading your note aloud]

—Leadership skills!

—I thought shit and shining light were interchangeable ... Give up! ... Jesus doesn't even like you.

"Doctor's orders? Is it a psychiatrist?"

—Come with me! If we had time.

—How does it feel to be the healthiest person in your family? ... Don't tell me about a bicycle in the basement of the Alamo.

"You're a loser! – Even if you go out and shoot yourself, no one will miss you!"

—SETTLE DOWN!

Copy that! ... How couth ... It's like sitting inside a violin ... I'm yesterday, you're tomorrow ... All we do is shit in there, anyway ... There's nothing to do ... Want what you have ... It's like a magnet ... When it's in the water, the fish will see that: Everything charged ... There's only one ethical issue: alive is good, dead is bad ... You can't understand it ... People who for whatever reason are there to bother you, to trap you, to bludgeon you ... They love to smell like dead raccoons so they can sneak up on people ... I might ask you the same question ... What do you think of that? ... There is an art: a script that is very, very helpful ... Oh, you don't want it to shine in the dark ... There's more to life than money ... No intermissions! ... They're ashamed not to say something, so they make up something ... "A friend of mine cheated on a test! What should I do?" ... "A friend of mine turned green! What should I do?" [Your penis] ... Let 'em sleep in hammocks (bed wetters) ... That's a good one, too! ... It's like listening to a crappy thing that's worse! ... It's called fish logic: it swims! ... You should grow like an onion! ... A dismal animal death on you! ... A piece of meat with eyes! ... Laugh with the lizards! ... They've invented something called the mainstream, and anybody who isn't mainstream is a total idiot ... Most people feel very lucky if they feel they're mainstream ... Okay, so what are we going to do? Killer! ... People out of a ditch: "You're doing it wrong!" ... They always do something right ... A fate worse than death! ... It's a cover-up ... All the has-beens! ... They were all there ... There's people you never hear about ... "What do we know?" NOTHING ... "When do we know it?" I DON'T KNOW ... I'll ask, right? ... They have long intermissions though! ... It's not a case of good or bad ... It's a case of what's going on ... All you have to know is what it is ... You don't have to think about what to do ... I'm like an oil well! ... Maybe I'm just sensitive to color! ... The Master run away, and the Darkie, he do stay!

"I can put my foot in my mouth, and shoot myself in the foot, but I can't do both at the same time."

—Leadership skills!

—It's nice to have a choice.

"Sold out."

—I can only imagine.

—Happy ending ... Leadership skills over the years.

"It's only ten dollars an hour." [Unattributed subject]

—I can only imagine.

—What's this all about?

"It's not much, but ..." [Six dollars for a $4.90 cab ride]

—I can only imagine.

—What would I do with money, anyway, buy a baseball glove?

"It's only money."

—I can only imagine.

—It's just honor.

"I got carried off in another direction – It's because I don't care!"

—SETTLE DOWN!

—What did one herring say to another? (Am I my brother's kipper?)

"It's I always thought I would hear something they wouldn't have said around me."

—I can only imagine.

—I'm just curious, you know. I like to be up to date.

"Are you the designated slut?" [Abusive dialog from TuckerMax.com]

—Leadership skills!

—These people are living in the service of their illness ... "I'm not serving your illness!" ... "You're just doing this to serve your illness!" ... You want to make sure you know what your life is serving ... First of all, You Should Serve You ... Second, if you serve other things, you should know what they are ... Don't serve other people's delusions.

"Do you hate the World Bank? You don't hate the World Bank. You're mad at your father. You just want daddy to hug you more."

—SETTLE DOWN!

That's nice to know ... There's a permanent adversarial culture in this country ... It's best not to say too much ... Lay low! ... Stay out of the way ... Fluid economy.

"You were a sociology major, weren't you?"

—I can only imagine.

Schizophrenics, Anonymous ... "To Confront Someone is to Empower Them" ... "Our Biggest Mission in Life is to Avoid Boring Fools."

"What was your major? Did your parents send you a bill for college? How are those Marxist Literary Critique classes working out for you? You work at Barnes and Noble don't you?"

—Come with me! If we had time.

—The Bluffer's Guide to Getting Human Beings to Believe in God ... Where is your Santa Claus Registry?

"Shouldn't you be blocking an intersection right now? How many anti-sweatshop petitions have you signed? – EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE REEBOKS ON. Very anti-globalization to wear those with your animal tested Clinique make-up made in Nepal. Well, at least you're consistent in your shameless hypocrisy."

—I can only imagine.

—You know, I don't believe in God, lighten up! ... This is small-talk survival! ... You never had a brother to teach you the fine art of pussy smuggling! ... Too painful!

"You're a druggie – You're a whore and a slut and deserve to die."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Who's it for, for me or da-da? ... People live in weird pockets ... What does it matter what you say about people? ... Take your gun to bed with you.

«How to give clever non-rude comebacks for your older brother that makes fun of you»

—Leadership skills!

—What do you mean, mentally? ... Whatever the genius cooks up ... That stuff is nothing! ... It pays to be ignorant.

"I admire you, because I've never had the courage to be so boring."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Do you know what you get when you cross Alzheimer's with déjà vu? (A feeling that you've forgotten this before)

"Hillary Clinton tonight had a very strong performance. I think she had a very good performance."

—I can only imagine.

—Pour it on!

"It's moved?" [the hotel]

—Come with me! If we had time.

—Oh, I didn't know that.

"Have you moved? ... Did you get a new roommate?"

—Come with me! If we had time.

—What have I done wrong?

"There are no winners; there are no losers."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Three kinds of people, those who can count, and those who can't.

"When does your shift start?"

—Come with me! If we had time.

—Just beginning.

"I see, you're a coffee fiend!"

—Come with me! If we had time.

—There's a being inside that needs nourishment – so you nourish it!

"What the hell is your problem? – You're not good enough!" [Line chef screaming at another line chef in a busy kitchen]

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Will you stop giving me a hard time? – It's grease, baby! – No one does – This is what makes the Eiffel Tower hum – I don't trust you! – You're going to quit while you're ahead – Where did you learn to say that one? – You're a jungle fever! – But please, don't monkey with Broadway! – Want a half Mexican? – How are you finding a solid black shoe on your neck? – What's beyond delusion? – You did a good job! – It looks worse than it did – You call that working? – You're doing that on charm – Get some method in your work – It's not my fault! – You never watch what I'm doing – I don't know, I just watch it! – Sometimes it's better to do things slowly – It won't be hard – This is why robots will never make it.

"Oh, are you really closed?" [Also see the WAITER / WAITRESS special, at stargate65]

—Leadership skills!

Way too soon! ... Like in Europe ... Traitor! ... Everything's changing ... You could see it coming ... Now I can sing! ... Instant human! Just add coffee! ... And now nothing! ... Shoot for the moon, and if you fall, you'll land in a penthouse! ... What does an apricot have that you don't have? ... Get out of here! You stink!

"But you've only been closed for five minutes."

—Come with me! If we had time.

—I'm asleep, it's okay ... Too down to go! ... It's an awareness thing ... Things mean so much to these people ... Right away you're wrong! ... Don't let people fool you into making things ugly. Think about that.

"I would NEVER have closed the office for such a little thing."

—I can only imagine.

—Not everyone can do everything.

"I guess I just expected you to use better judgment."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Your parents had a very strange conception of life.

"What the hell are you doing here, anyway?"

—Come with me! If we had time.

—It's fate.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Don't try to figure things out – Feed what's inside you!

"Non-escalating Verbal Self-Defense looks like it could be interesting just from the title, but it seems to be an interesting idea completely ruined by an idiosyncratic and baffling presentation that surely only makes sense to its creators." [Link from Lake Effect, May 5, 2003 – first of five sentences (unsolicited interjections); the remaining four are covered in stargates 75 (hassling, stigmatization) and 30 (marginalization)]

—SETTLE DOWN!

—I think the dog did it, or the cat.

"I have a tragedy."

—I can only imagine.

—Wait! You're talking too fast – Talk slower so I can understand it.

"We stopped serving breakfast."

—I can only imagine.

—Thank you for your assistance – Thank you for your help.

"We're closed over here."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Go easy on yourself.

"It is a tragedy."

—Come with me! If we had time.

—Did you work hard today?

"No rest for the weary."

—Come with me! If we had time.

—You know, you just plan your day.

"I was a combination of sad and angry and disappointed and hurt." [Wife discussing her husband's interest in erotica on the CBS Evening News, May 1, 2007]

—SETTLE DOWN!

Did you become a traitor? ... Wearing sateen, dark red lipstick, hanging out in pool houses ... You never know what they're going to do ... It hurts a lot ... Maybe I'll change my ways ... I feel better about it now ... When the lion is chasing the antelope, he doesn't look back.

"Have you gotten any lately?"

—Leadership skills!

—You're a star ... Got milk? ... Got condoms? ... Lick what?

"Have you ever been taken out of context?"

—SETTLE DOWN!

—That's still going on.

"He's the designated pansy."

—Come with me! If we had time.

—If the pope were here, he would understand.

"What I know is, as long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat crap what or where you shove your show."

—I can only imagine.

—You have to give up hating other people and concentrate on having a good life.

"You're going to die soon with that diet, you know that."

—Come with me! If we had time.

—Of all the things in the universe, death is one of the nicer things.

"Are you still on a diet?"

—Come with me! If we had time.

—I know you don't like it, but this is the way I am.

"Eat tiny portions and NEVER go back for seconds."

—Leadership skills!

—It's good when I break my diet.

"You don't need to be drinking every night – You don't need those calories."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—You tried it twice – Try something else.

"Jane, are you trying to look unattractive?"

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Read, The Dwarf. (1945, Par Lagerkvist)

"My ass is big, but yours just has to dominate Holland."

—Leadership skills!

—It's really criminal to treat your body as a friend.

"You know, the reason I'm so thin is that I would never eat a whole box of cookies."

—Leadership skills!

—Don't cheat yourself.

"What are you reading?"

—Come with me! If we had time.

—It's a mystery.

"You just have the appearance of being an airhead."

—Leadership skills!

—Cryptic, enigmatic.

"If Ricky tries to contest this, he doesn't have a leg to stand on."

—Leadership skills!

—I'm going to use all the money I get to make a nicer grave for my mother.

"That cut just isn't meant for a full-figured gal like you."

—Come with me! If we had time.

—You're starving, yourself.

"I feel icky!"

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Heartless creature.

"Your bullshit is extremely good today."

—Leadership skills!

—I'll send it to you.

"You've got some nerve telling me all that bullshit."

—Leadership skills!

—Over time.

"I'm sorry – that dress doesn't come in larger sizes."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Well, everybody's got something good about them.

"Are you upset? When is your period? Are you on the rag?"

—Leadership skills!

—You're carrying a heavy burden on your shoulders.

"Are you on the rag?"

—Leadership skills!

Is this the best way to show your strength? ... Feed your family!

"It must be that time of month." [To a woman]

—SETTLE DOWN!

—If it isn't, so what?

"HEY, YOU DIRTY WHORE!"

—I can only imagine.

—They turn women into men, and men into idiots.

"YOU DIRTY WHORE!"

—I can only imagine.

KEEP GOING! ... AND DON"T STOP.

"You whore!"

—Leadership skills!

—It's hard to tell, huh?

"C. U. Next Tuesday!"

—Leadership skills!

—Don't forget!

"Cunt!"

—Leadership skills!

—What do you mean, get all the air out of your brain?

"Fat whore."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—You have to do it when it's wet.

"He called you a whore!"

—SETTLE DOWN!

—How does it feel to be the healthiest person in your family?

"More energy – You've got to simmer down!"

—Come with me! If we had time.

—There isn't a part of my body that doesn't express itself.

"I wish you wouldn't do that without my permission."

—I can only imagine.

—Tell the witch – She'll let you.

"Your waitress made me extremely uncomfortable today. She ruined my entire morning. I'm very upset. I'll be contacting KQED."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—You're way ahead of most people.

"You know what? You just ruined my life."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—What am I, a mind reader? – A dream within a dream ... It's killing you, right? ... It's the greater fool theory ... With her serpent tongue ... It feels weak ... You just have to pamper it.

"Now you just ruined my day – Tell me something nice before I go."

—Leadership skills!

—Through close observation.

"I wasted all my pretty years on you."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—It's much more intense.

"With your permission, of course."

—Leadership skills!

—And the rat takes the bait.

"How can the Americans make this mistake?" [An errant bomb, many dead and wounded]

—SETTLE DOWN!

—Prepare your kids for a hard life, which every life is sooner or later.

"Go to hell."

—SETTLE DOWN!

—What time?

"Why doesn't the Bill Gates Foundation pay for it?"

—Leadership skills!

—They're all assholes ... There you go ... Someone likes someone.

"I knew you weren't man enough to take care of a woman."

—Leadership skills!

—I wouldn't fool around.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

REFLECTIONS

 
 
 
 
 

03-OCT-1999.

EVERYBODY'S in the SAME BOAT

 

         
 
 

THE PAST

[doesn't exist]

     
         
         
         
 
         
     


Repair the Past

[Have a Lot
of Fun]

 
 
         
         
         
     
         
         
         
 
 

Prepare for the Future

[Clean Your Room]

     
         
 
         
         
         
     

THE FUTURE

[doesn't exist]

 
 
         

 


30-MAY-1999.

WHEN LIGHTNING STRIKES

"Most people are too small to fall in love,
and they're too large to fall in the toilet,
so they have relationships."

I think that's the funniest thing I ever heard my friend David Daniels say. It's actually true, and I generally return to that idea after a few months of trying to determine THE SECRET of WOMEN. There is no such secret, and when love strikes you, why not be prepared? It only happens once or twice in a lifetime, if you're lucky. In the meantime, I like to spend time sensing myself like a cat would, and wondering about the secret of myself.

Now that I can tell you about. As I was approaching puberty, and having crushes on girls two classes below mine (because I was really a year too young for my own class, and I was also a year immature for my own age, so that equals ... ) Anyway, I would creep into my stepfather's office down in the basement at our house on Bridle Creek Road, in Ladue, one of the wealthy suburbs of St. Louis where we lived at the time, and at the huge wooden desk flanked by a shotgun on the left, and a dehumidifier on the right, I would take a deep breath of the curious smelling air, and dial Judith's telephone number.

It was absurd, because I'd hardly ever talked to her in my whole life, and here I was asking for a date. Her mother answered, and I really don't feel like saying any more.

When you're talking to someone who in all probability is going to reject you, make sure to have the words, "—Leadership skills!" at the tip of your tongue. They will save you hours of grief and embarrassment. And when a friend has anything whatsoever to say about this subject, simply glance at them from the side of your eye, and inquire,

"—Anything less?"


17-SEP-2014.

 

Thick
of
It

ShortCuts

Top
of
Page

 

As follows

CODE WORDS: admire, airhead, Americans, baffling, bullshit, calories, closed, combination, connection, contest, context, cookies, courage, creators, critique, cunt, designated, diet, doctor's, dominate, druggie, excited, expected, fiend, foundation, full-figured, gotten, hell, hug, hugs, hypocrisy, icky, idiosyncratic, it's, Italian, judgment, larger, literary, losers, Marxist, Maui, month, moved, non-rude, note, performance, permission, psychiatrist, rag, reading, ruined, seconds, serving, shift, shoot, shove, simmer, sociology, sold, tragedy, Tuesday, unattractive, wasted, weary, weren't, when'd, whore, wrote

 

XLIII
Hydrus
"Sea-serpent"

—SETTLE DOWN!