"When are you going to grow up?"

—This is the problem with success.

"Grow up!"

—And have a sense of humor about it!

"Can I get you anything?" [From a cute waitress]

—Will you come over and do my laundry?

"How are you doing today?"

—Also trivialities.

"Are you feeling okay, Richard?"

—Every opportunity ... TOO HOT! ... Very sensitive.

"Stanford Court Hotel Restrooms Now for Guest Use Only :: The Stanford Court Hotel has decided to join other Nob Hill hotels in keeping restrooms for guest use only. We apologize for the inconvenience and appreciate your continued help with our shared customers." [Posted at the cashier window of a San Francisco taxi company]

—Certainly not! ... You don't respect me, respect yourself! ... "Ye Olde BatCrap Hotel :: Leave it for the mice! Their food gives people diarrhea, so they've had plumbing issues. Their chronic lice & bedbug infestation continues to hitch rides on guests' clothing and suitcases, so watch out!" [Rejoinder at taxi company]

"Are you working tonight?" [Here are the facts: 1. You're a server; 2. You're placing an order at the bar; 3. It's nighttime; 4. They're so busy living from their emotions, they have trouble observing anything in outside physical reality; 5. It makes you feel you're somehow being glossed over; 6. That's probably the way they feel all the time] :: WildCard-4

—Steady, hard work ... Avoid it at all costs! ... For me, it's fun just being part of it.

«Hard and raw verbal comebacks»

—WORK HARDER! ... NOTHING LESS! ... NO TROUBLE! ... IT'S ICE! ... NO FOOLING! ... Knock it off! ... Get away! ... Don't ask! ... SMARTEN UP! ... THERE'S LIMITS! ... JUST UNBELIEVABLE! ... WISE UP! ... Beat it! ... Keep going! ... EVERY TIME! ... BACK OFF! ... WHO CARES? ... MANY TIMES! ... TOO BAD! ... THAT'S NOTHING! ... OUCH! ... WHO'S COMPLAINING? ... WHOA! THREATENING! ... Now isn't that bizarre? ... Isn't that bizarre? ... Hang tough!

"I gave myself a standing ovation."

—Things are disguised – People are stuck at a preverbal level.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

—I don't even want to fool around with them – They're assholes. [girlfriends] ... I'm waiting until I'm in the mood ... Big business.

"Are you gay?"

—Homosexuality is a symptom of paranoia.

[Some angry hombre staring at you] :: WildCard-0

—Take heart!

"He's still a Mama's boy!"

—Would it do any good?

"Why are you a faggot?"

—First you have to put up with a little girl. [Also see, Oversight: The Future of the Internet, below]

"You don't like us, do you?" [From the leader of a posse out on the prowl, their menacing probes covered with a thin veneer: "What was that movie about the serial killer?" -- Get away from them as soon as you reach a public setting -- Think ahead -- Meanwhile, do, think, and say as little as possible: "—How's that?" "—Big change!" "—Who knows?" "—Now or later? Claw hook!" – Try not to talk back -- Let them meet their fate elsewhere]

—Are you bragging?

"Well, I'd like to get to know you." [Some random guy in a bar hitting on you]

—I'm a wreck ... My teeth are falling out ... I'm losing my teeth ... You don't want to know any more! ... I changed my mind ... Can you loan me any money? ... I'm in a lot of pain ... Kill me now! ... Was that out loud? ... Finally! After all these years! ... All over the house! ... It's a disgusting place ... It's full of crooks and morons ... It's just today ... The weekend's tricky ... How can it be good if it's free? ... That's a nice suit ... That really suits you ... Can you loan me any money?

"You didn't see or hear anything, did you?" [To an enlisted sailor having just witnessed a physical brawl between two officers on an aircraft carrier]

—It's hard for me to talk, too.

"Did you sleep with her yet?"

—And animals, too! ... You'll never know ... That's private stuff and you don't get to know that ... Some things should just be left private ... Are you going to see Bambi in the thicket?

"You WILL talk to me!" [From your brother, the prince of darkness]

—Well, you know how bad things are.

"What did Karen say when you told her you were going to a stag party?"

—Go to bed.

"So you got a bone all the time, huh?"

—I'm kind of low-key with all that stuff, you know?

"Now you can get rid of your old computer."

—Some people can do that.

"Dope!"

—Persistence pays, because then you find what works.

"Hey, little girl!" [To a younger, smaller boy]

—Am I interfering in something? ... I follow Hitler's advice. You arrive late, you jump up on a table, you scream things, and you leave early ... That's how you get a reputation ... That's my reputation ... Do you think that's going too far? ... Colonialism is Niggers, and post-Colonialism is pretending you like them ... All the other kids shit in the toilet ... You should, too ... For hours!

"You're gay, who cares about you? – You should kill yourself – You should go away."

—Is this living? ... Twenty kids, and four are in the in-crowd, something's wrong ... They're clueless and pretending they're cool ... That's a lesson you have to learn ... If they're not nice to you, it's not your fault ... They're just treating you the way they treat themselves ... You have to understand, this happens to everyone ... You just think you're the only one ... Extremely personal ... Backtrack! ... Why go someplace else when I can take a vacation in my heart every day?

"It sounds like you're mocking them."

—Lordy be! ... Why? ... Why do you think that is?

"Are you trying to stir up some shit?"

—Special service ... I think it's a little different ... It's a study.

«How to respond to casual insults»

—It's like a little difference ... It's massive ... It should slip right in.

"Well, you had a university education – I didn't."

—I barreled out! ... Life isn't at all boring ... We're not talking about the surface – We're talking about meaning.

"I'll wait while you clean that up." [You and your dog, just outside your front door]

—Full of fun! ... That's well worth seeing ... Ready to hatch, huh?

"You can dish it out but you can't take it!"

—Cheap, too!

"What were you doing in there?"

—Have you ever put a steel door in? ... Put a new frame in ... It's hinged and everything.

"I'll meet you there."

—There's a lot of unknowns around now ... Tell me the street ... No, you have to be more specific ... No, tell me the number ... No, that's not a direction ... No, call me up and tell me the number ... It's like a sham or something, one of those Marin things ... When you get there, call me up and tell me the number ... I feel too insecure when you don't tell me where you're going to be ... A lot of times when you think you should do something, you just let your mind do it.

"Hey, didn't you used to have a blog?"

—What is the right use of emotions? There is none!

"When did you get here?"

—There's not much to do.

"What do you do to relax?"

—The murderer always returns to the scene of the crime.

"Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to reach you for three days!"

—Drag me to hell! – You read maps?

"Why haven't you been coming here for lunch?" [Spoken in a low voice, trying to "engage" you]

—Do what you do! Do what you do best and keep doing it!

"Where have you been? Yesterday you're not here."

—There's no real reason to lock your car up, especially if it's new – What are they going to steal?

"Where were you?"

—Out on the open road!

"You just got back?"

—Nothing exciting.

"Can I get you ... ?"

—All you have to do is just lay low, and you do good.

«What you don't know about self defense»

—I taught them everything I know about how to get angry, thinking they'd get over it, and forgot to tell them, at some point, stop being angry!

"I've got schadenfreude coming out my ears."

—You don't hear about it.

"Well, you can't have everything."

—That doesn't bother me.

"Tell us what you learned."

—Don't try to outshine the teacher; they'll just argue with you.

[Silly or simple-minded jokes, such as ... (1.) "Does your face hurt?" "No." "Well, it's killing me!" ... (2.) "How do you get a nun pregnant? ... Dress up like a choirboy." -- They're all the same formula]

—Who wants that?

"Are you leaving? Hey!"

—Good dog! Guard your master! ... Sleeping Beauty is calling!

"You look like nothing!" [Little bully making fun of eleven-year-old girl on Dress-Up Day at summer camp]

—Everyone does when they're totally protected ... The Book of Gods ... Zeus, Perseus, Athena, Electra ... But you come from more grease than I do ... There's many ways to skin a cat ... Wardrobe malfunction ... That's mean, isn't it? ... What a mean thing to do ... Morons ... They looked like Mr. and Mrs. Rock the toad lived under ... You never know, there's little houses with big gardens ... Yes, but it keeps the rain out ... You never know what no one else wants ... I'm going to get one of those ... That's cheap these days ... (Go low with them ... Who is happy when I feel something is wrong with me? ... Who thinks they're better off? ... Until the little monkeys learn to control themselves, you're among friends)

"What are you going to do about it?"

—It's better to have this than to get in trouble with other people, to "act out," as they say – This is something you can count on – Gurdjieff said it's all over the body, the emotional center – Now it's beginning to center. [See also stargate57]

"You will burn in hell!"

—Yes, but send me a contract ... Gird your loins and ask for a contract.

"You don't know me! You don't know my child!" [The abused toddler an eighteen-year-old mother has been repeatedly slapping in a New York City subway]

—If you like someone, it's different ... Oh, I like children, too, but I don't like them with their heads cut off!

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results." (–Albert Einstein)

—Do nothing.

"Are you :: gay? || straight? || married? || putting on a little weight? || pregnant? || the red Jeep over there? || a smoker? || a nonsmoker? || too good for us now? || happy? || a Democrat? || a Republican? || right wing? || left wing? || a voter? || one of those hippies? || going to eat that? || hungry? || leaving? || in line? || smarter than we'll ever hope to be? || a rich guy? || being smart with me? || going to be late? || on time? || early? || still here? || going to pick that up? || taking full responsibility for this? || an artist? || on the rag? || laughing at me? || a student? || the pilot? || born again? || just a housewife? || stupid? || an airhead? || suggesting something? || a witness to our times? || saying I am? || a history major? || the expert now? || a Christian? || a Jew? || taking a nap? || on duty? || using that? || done with that? || German? || French? || old enough? || drunk? || on drugs? || from Japan? || from China? || an accountant? || a Giants fan? || a writer?"

—Just lower your expectations ... You know, a lot of us are schizophrenic.

[The hand of your mortal enemy reaching out, extending itself, holding itself stiffly out ...]

—How do you shake hands with someone who's (1.) milking cows; (2.) sawing wood; (3.) a creepy, crawly spider; (4.) a Roman handshake (Power!) —? ... You're not tired of that yet.

"How do you do?"

—This place is like a country club ... First you introduce yourself; later on you go into depth ... What do you do that interests you? ... It averages out ... Here they don't ... I have to take care of my family.

"You and me, babe – How 'bout it?"

—Which side is up? ... We'll have to see, right? ... It's not going to happen overnight ... If you treat people like idiots, they'll act like idiots ... Well, we'll have to see ... You're lucky if you can feel hurt ... It's the mark of the devil ... You're off your rocker; you're in a dream ... Whatever's there, right? ... Wishful thinking ... That's definitely very young behavior ... I don't want to do that ... I can't see you because you're too smart ... Your brain is all you've got going for you ... That's very handy ... I'm insecure because my father didn't die ... And I will ... Really strange stories ... You always have to watch out for that.

"I'M ASHAMED OF YOU!" [Political heckler at Chelsea Clinton appearance]

—Did you know your house is filled with cockroaches? ... Now it's beginning to float.

"I think it's fair to say ... that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home." (–U.S. President Barack Obama)

—What a tootsie! What a spitfire! What a firecracker! ... A leading intellectual light.

"Got pimp?"

—It's his second childhood.

"Are you voting for Obama?"

—One section at a time ... They're really proud of him; it makes me happy ... Wait until the makeup washes off.

"Why don't you get all excited, Dave?" [Stage directions for himself]

—He gets exuberant.

"Right back at you, kid!"

—People have to do what they like.

"You have to explain it."

—I know what time is, but I don't want to explain it.

"Can I buy a cigarette from you?"

—Sometimes you run out of paper.

"I like your costume."

—This is the big season now.

"Is there a dent in my car?"

—I'm starting.

"It's not like you went to Harvard or Yale – What did you expect?"

—A pat on the back ... The waterfront ... (It's really worse than guilt – They're saying that's your place) ... I took a test! ... I should have done that – I would have learned a lot ... There's no more place ... It's all over now ... I don't think it is ... I think you just find a slab.

"You don't know what I'm doing, do you?"

—Doesn't matter; I'm having fun.

"What do you like best so far?" [From a flirting waitress]

—Let me try it.

"What do you think?"

—I know you can.

«Self defense with little girl»

—You know, I'm afraid of being abandoned ... but you get over it ... And warmth, too ... Abandonment is women's fear; menstruation is men's ... Hey! I'm left holding the cookies!

"You went to Dartmouth?"

—Friends don't let friends go to college.

"Ten years from now ... Ricky Hart ... a floorwalker at Montaldo's."

—With a carpet bag with huge amounts of money.

"You don't have to be a jerk."

—Everything you think, isn't.

"We think you don't have enough job experience."

—Either do you!

"Were you at work?"

—Fair winds and following seas, ma'am.

"Where are you going when you die: heaven or hell?"

—It's for an artist ... If you grow good things in your life, then you are surrounded by beauty ... The tread of my feet on the earth springs a hundred affections ... If you grow good things in your garden ... The least difficult thing I've done.

"What's wrong with you? You only do what you like to do."

—Tell me! ... That's too mechanical ... You can ruin it ... There's no feeling in, What's wrong with you? You only do what you like to do.

"You have a smart mouth."

—That was foresight.

"Eternal optimist."

—Just a splash.

"I've already been over there – I'm not going over there again – You're crazy as a loon."

—It could be a lot of things ... the police or anything.

"Are you Apartment B?" [From an anonymous mail carrier, who has never actually introduced himself]

—The front windows of the house are falling apart, but let's wait until they fall apart.

"Contact us immediately."

—"Never answer an anonymous letter." (–Lawrence Peter (Yogi) Berra) ... The team is voting for President ... You can call if you need anything.

"Are you supposed to be sitting over there by yourself?"

—Maybe July first.

"You must have chosen the wrong career."

—If you want a hard time, that's okay.

"Are you done with this?"

—What else are you going to do now?

"Let me call you sometime, and we'll get together."

—Who's your social secretary? – For advanced plans.

"Where did you go, the city?" [Against regulations]

—Sometimes you think something's bad, and it's not that bad.

"You disappoint me."

—You don't know how to absorb things, to listen to anything ... What do you believe in? Don't you want to do something? ... Do something you believe in, or you're good at.

"Is your credit score holding you back?"

—You have no right to ask me questions – I do what I believe in ... It's none of your business.

"Did the supervisor talk to you?"

—I was born bad, I am bad, and I'll die bad.

"Are you back?"

—I got no strings to hold me down.

"Sorry to Jew you."

—I say blood red is the color for you.

"You only get one chance with me."

—So far it's not worth it. [Also see, Peer Pressure]

"Will you marry me?"

—It costs a lot to get married – How much money do you have in the bank?

"If you love me, you'll have sex with me."

—You can love me by getting off my back and stop criticizing!

"If you cared about me, you'd do it."

—Where did you ever learn that someone who felt unloved in childhood and never learned how to express love, you criticize them?

"If you get pregnant, I'll marry you."

—It's high school with money!

"Are you pregnant?"

—Just like your mother, right?

"Where are you going?"

—Way off! ... The middle of nowhere ... You could do anything.

"You are a good person."

—Or a bad one.

"Have you just been sitting here doing nothing all day?" [From the boss, stopping by your work area]

—Is that possible? [Chronicle your daily accomplishments on index cards you can show the boss at a moment's notice – Don't let anyone steal them]

["They sent me back to put air in the tire, can you believe it?"] "Put air in your head? – I thought you had plenty."

—No one says, "You are in a panic – Life is hard."

"Do you know what happened to the TV?" [You just arrived]

—What's on the other side?

"Exit only – You got to go that way – Sorry!"

—I'm not working for you – I am a lamp, I am a mirror, I am a door, I am a way.

"Oh, you don't read anymore?"

—What do you care what anyone thinks?

"That's all you have to say?"

—You're worse than me, so I don't know what to say.

"What you don't know can't hurt you, huh?"

—That's a well a hundred feet deep.

"Sorry you don't have a degree."

—Let there be toilets.

"Marci's here to dance!"

—Too old ... Do I deserve this? ... You're wrong ... You don't need to ... It's just wrong no matter what you do ... If you sleep late, does the sun rise?

"I almost ran right into you!"

—Go with it!

"Why do you live here?"

—To spread the revolution ... Just for the fun of it.

"You're not bright, are you?"

—That could change very rapidly.

"What do you say to a sarcastic person?"

—Because we live right.

"What did you think?" [About the movie you just saw]

—Everybody gets what they want.

["I love you."] "You can't!"

—All over the world.

["If you move in with me, you can't bring the cat."] "Why would I move in with you?"

—Everything you can imagine.

"Do you think I'm that easy?"

—Look at those smoldering looks!

"I don't want to talk to you."

—It's too late now.

"Are you making fun of me?"

—I hope it isn't ... bad breath.

"I don't know you."

—The new kid on the block?

"Well, you like the young ones, right?"

—In another way ... It's nice when you have a young life in your charge ... And you know what to tell them.

"You never embarrassed yourself?"

—What do you think my secret is?

"Oh Icarus, I really pity you."

[See Icarus and the Gutter Snipe]

"Perfect – Are you sure you haven't done this before?"

—Hunger is the best cook – Not a mother!

"Why don't you tell me something really interesting?"

—That's not my problem – My problem is my mother had a penis.

"You don't have to be a jerk."

—That's extra!

"Why are you such a jerk?"

—Keeping the guy alive ... He has to play or something.

"What do YOU want?"

—To die for my country.

"I'm here for you."

—Let Mom help!

"Who died and made you queen?"

—Someone's lucky they're not her brother.

"Where did you get that?" [Handing your business card to an FBI agent]

—Making gold from straw – Rumpelstilzchen is my name!

—What about evolution?

"Don't be ridiculous!"

—I am a University graduate!

"That's ridiculous."

—You're just supposed to be the one at the front of the plane.

"That remark is absurd!"

—What better way is there than being clever?

"Did you ever kill anybody?"

—That's the million dollar question ... I shot my bank, but I didn't get any money.

"You're imagining things – I do!"

—Faith is really paying attention.

["I go to Stanford."] "Oh, the anti-intellectual school."

—It's substantial.

"Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?"

—Not completely.

"I know you don't care."

—Do you?

"Are you crazy?"

—I broke my contract with myself.

"Two hundred dollars? – Are you crazy?"

—Don't tell me it's nothing for you.

"What does that make you?"

—Razor sharp.

"So a couple of months ago I was late for something and grabbed a quick cab ride. The driver was a very effeminate, mustachioed older fellow who made some odd remarks about how hostile women passengers are to him... So I told him about an old acquaintance of mine whom I'd defuse when she was mad. He just lit up, way beyond what the idle story deserved, and when I got out he handed me his business card, which was just a URL ... His website is an endless warren of crazy. (http://www.taxi1010.com/index1.htm) Seriously, just click some links. [Link from Quarter To Three Forums > Quarter to Three Boards > Everything else taxi1010 - The Art of Non-Escalating Verbal Self Defense - User Name Remember Me?]

—Is it because of the brown channel in your panties? ... As the residents of New Jersey say, "Come and get it!" ... Many people mistake kindness for weakness, and they mistake weakness for kindness ... So you haven't shot anyone yet, have you?

"Shut your little effeminate mouth."

—Laugh, or I'll kill the lobster ... "I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it, Charlie." (–Marlin Brando, On the Waterfront, 1954)

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

—It's not evil.

"Hey, pretty girl!" [From the bum on the corner]

—People aren't garbage!

"Getting all settled in? – Good girl! – Good for you!"

—That's almost the land that time forgot.

—You think I'm bad – what about my father?

"You should know."

—Some people say we're the same.

—Tell it to the Pope!

—I'd like to leave that out of it.

—Watch and wait.

—Look who's talking!

"I'm warped."

—You're free.