— Non-escalating Verbal Self-Defense


"Daily Web Site teaches you how to defend yourself with words."








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"Amanda, you should come back and stay with me." [You're ahead of them in an airline check-in line; it would be one thing if you were still a child, and they were your guardian; then you should simply go along with their fears]


—Within reach!
—Almost there!


"Honey, do you live around here?" [A stranger to a child]


—Within reach!
—Is your number still 911?


"Honey, your mom sent me to pick you up."


—Hold it!
—What's the password?


"Please, come over here."


—Sure, Jack!
—I've got a nose to pick with you.


"It's an emergency."


—That's DRASTIC.
—There's a pack of electric little phony girls.


"Rebeka, don't you know how to knock?"


—Very simple.
—I'm going to try it.


"We should be thoughtful of others, right?"


—I'm sure.
—To each according to their capacity.


See also,


"Honey, you have to come with me."


—Hold it!
—I'll do anything you like, or see that it gets done, as long as you put it in writing and sign your name to it.




"Your teacher thinks you could be doing a lot better."


—I'm sure.
—I'm not going to waste my affections on that child.


[Start at
the top]


"What are you doing to bring the B up?" [Your report card has four A's and one B]


—Spare me!
—Don't tell me things like that!


"You're not listening to me, lady — I'm telling you what to do!"


—Don't worry.
—What a relief.


"Can't you read?"


—What's wrong with this picture?




"Yeah, that sign is for people who can read."


You're overlooking something ... There's nothing wrong with meYou're an asshole.




"And by the way, it's going to cost you seventy-five dollars to replace that ticket."


—Anything else?
—I'll bet you!


"You have trouble with authority figures."


—No sweat.
—As if you're not supposed to.


[Start at
the top]


"What are you doing over there? You're supposed to be over here!"


—How discouraging.
—That's none of my business.


"We're doing the basement, remember?"


—Slow gold.
—Save it!


"You should answer when someone speaks to you!"


—Real old-fashioned.
—It's very disturbing to me.


"When is your meeting?"


—Real old-fashioned.
—Whenever I get there.


"Hello, sir, can you get me a black?" [A street person, shadowing you, coming in from the corner of your eye]


—Too dangerous.
—I'm sorry, I can't – I don't want to – What if they find out I'm not crazy?


"Get back to work."


—At least.
—If we can't mess it up, nobody can.


"You need to check your attitude."


—Too dangerous.
—I think it gets hotter as it goes along.


"What did Bruce think?"


—Too dangerous.
—He's the quiet, mysterious kind.




"I'm asking you a question!"


—Really scary!
—Gee, guys, you don't have much fun, do you?


"You need to pick that up by the third ring."


—Carry on!
—Everything flows.




"Give me your lunch money!"


—Loaded baskets.
—Yeah, okay ... I don't get too much ... What quivers and shakes at the bottom of the ocean? (A nervous wreck!) ... Because we live in the backwaters ... People who realize they'll never better themselves ... We're oily, too!


"So if someone says, 'Give me your lunch money!' what do you say?"


—Nobody can't.
—Closer and closer to the source! ... It was on the news ... That's what you get for having a good mind ... Today's child.


[Start at
the top]


"You can't just say it sucks without saying why."


—No shit!
—If you get a dog, you have to expect that.




"You can't just say, 'It won't work.' What are your reasons? You have to back it up. You can't just play a devil's advocate here."


—There's hope.
—The front end of the horse and the rear end of the horse are two different people.




"You have to defend yourself if you're going to say that."


—But why?
—You don't have to fight anything.


"It's hard to condemn a whole company based on an interview with one individual."


—There's hope.
—Near the Dead Sea.




"Come on, get with the program!"


—Carry on!
—At least I have a sense of humor about it.


"You can be replaced."


Go on!
—They train you to work, shut up, and do what you're supposed to do.


[Start at
the top]


"What was that all about?"


—Very simple.
—I can't see five minutes!


"No good-morning, no nothing!"


—But why?
—Allah loves the lazy.


"Look who just showed up – You're late!"


Suffer a lot.
—That's everyone's trouble – They don't know the difference between then and now.


"You're late!"


Suffer a lot.
—Even if it isn't true.


"You're a little late." [Catching you by surprise]


Harsh. Indeed.
—It depends on your plan.


"I waited for you – You're late!"


—Very standard.
—Does it hurt your feelings?


"Why are you late?"


—That soon?
—It shortens the day.


"Then why did you come in so late?"


—That soon?
—It's in the contract – Small print.


[Start at
the top]


"Show me what you're reading!"


—I'll cry.
—It's WORSE if you just go along with the herd.


"Let me see that!"


—I'll cry.
—Get tough!


"Mind if I have one of your cigarettes?"


—Spare me!
—Don't bother 'em – Leave 'em alone! Bring your own.


"Why don't you? Why don't you have one?"


—Big time!
—Not many people can do what they like to do.


"Why did you change my work?"


—Another miracle!
—Whatever it is that's hard to read.






—Totally demanding.
—I don't know how to explain it.


"DON'T YOU EVER PUT THE SOUP THERE! That area is for making food!"


—No wonder.
—She was painting the town red, dancing on the table!


[Start at
the top]


"How many times have I told you to knock it off?"


—That's what counts, isn't it?


"How about leaving your sister alone for a change?"


—At least.
—Just don't tell me you want a tea set.




"Can you say thank you?"


—No sweat.
—One tea set per group.


"Don't be fresh with me, young man!"


—So sad!
—The more I work in school, the more they hit me!




"Clean your room!"


Savor everything.
—When you take care of things, you're taking care of yourself.


"Take that away! Take that upstairs!"


—Not many.
—Right away!


"You're too noisy in the house!"


—It's criminal.
—Just another person.


"Why won't you be my friend?"


—Either way.
—Let's go by intuition.


[Start at
the top]


"What are you laughing at?"


—Great memories!
—Grab every scrap of happiness you can.


"Go stand in the corner."


—Another miracle!
—I'm standing in the corner of my smile!