— Non-escalating Verbal Self-Defense


"Daily Web Site teaches you how to defend yourself with words."








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"Where are you from?" [From a sleazy shop keeper]


Never far.
—No one likes it.


"I believe I asked you a question." [Threateningly]


—God knows!
—You can work your way up or down.


"What is that supposed to be, a joke?"


—Many more!
—One's vegetarian, and one's carnivorous.


"It ain't over between you and me."


—It's murder!
—That's what you save money for.


"You talkin' to me?"


—Very different.
—Don't rush me! ... I slept my way through night school ... Why fuss?


[Start at
the top]


"This guy is great!" [Disparagingly]


Clean slate!
—Don't ever do anything halfway.


"Big smart guy, huh?"


—Violent enough.
—Not another one that talks like me.


"You will speak only when spoken to. You will follow orders without question."


—Very different.
—The devil will think you're his own.


"You've got a problem, psycho?"


—MY mistake.
—Success breeds success.




"You shut up! I'll beat your ass."


Nowhere near.
—Just like yours, right?


"Don't keep running your fricking mouth!"


—Total waste.
—It served its purpose.


[Start at
the top]


"Watch it, man!" [Ominously]


—Many more!
—As I go.


"Al-Qa'ida ... you want to blow up the Coit Tower, go ahead." (–Bill O'Reilly, November 10, 2005)


—From overseas.
—They might as well be the same person.


"I hope you get cancer and die slowly."


—From overseas.
—You'll get everything.


"Nobody move, please. We are going back to the airport. Don't try to make any stupid moves ... We have some planes ... Just stay quiet and you'll be okay. We are returning to the airport." [Recorded voice on hijacked American Airlines Flight 11 before it was crashed into the World Trade Center]


—I'm waiting.
—Cell phones ... It's open season.


"Keep remaining sitting. We have a bomb on board." [Recorded voice on hijacked United Airlines Flight 93 before it was crashed into the Pennsylvania countryside on 9/11]


—I'm sure.
—"Consider the subtle difference between 'having no form' and having 'no form'; the first is ignorance, the second is transcendence." (–Bruce Lee)


[Start at
the top]


"Bring it on!" [War chant]


Never far.
—We'll see about that.


"Bring it on!"


Never naïve.
—I'm going to introduce you to your future. [Go for the biggest one]


"Give me your lunch money!"


—Loaded baskets.
—Yeah, okay ... I don't get too much ... What quivers and shakes at the bottom of the ocean? (A nervous wreck!) ... Because we live in the backwaters ... People who realize they'll never better themselves ... We're oily, too!




"So if someone says, 'Give me your lunch money!' what do you say?"


—There's limits.
—Closer and closer to the source! ... It was on the news ... That's what you get for having a good mind ... Today's child.


"You know, you could be popular."


—Spare me!
—I don't want to be popular until I get to civilization.




"If something happens, you're going to wish it never did." [Posturing]


—Not today.
—Sometime down the road.


"I have a deep cavity search for you."


—Not today.
—Before you.


[Start at
the top]


"Hey, Yellow! Hey, Yellow! Are you there for Joe? Are you there for Joe?"


—We'll see.
—You can still go to jail.


[Someone parroting you]


—Big family!
—It's just good to know.


"I'm glad I'm not you!" [Someone stealing your graduation present, a bright red fire truck, on the last day of kindergarten]


—Just so!
—I like purple – I thought you'd sell it by now – I'm a little careless.


"Maybe it's because I'm an asshole."


—Since when?
—Teeth and all.


"Yankee! Yankee!"


—Another triumph.
—They must love you, huh?


"Did you watch the movie? Do you still have your ticket?" [Three thugs cornering you outside the theater]


Anything missing?
—You have no idea how bad it was.


"Oh, you threw it away." [Maliciously]


—Many more!
—I don't want to get into it — It's against my better judgment.


"Hey, buddy, I don't like your face."


—It's mutual.
—I was never cute.


[Start at
the top]


"I'll be waiting for you when school is over."


—How exotic.
—As if something terrible is going on that's never gone on before.


"I'll see you tonight."


—Oh, colossal!
—As you like.


"You're better than me?"


—At best.
—Keep that in the back of your mind.


"I'll remember that."


—Out working!
—If nothing else.


"You'd say anything to avoid a fight."


—Just vicious.
—At a certain point you can just let it go.


"What is that smell?"


—Very common.
—One ugly thing after another.


[Start at
the top]


"It stinks! – It's a fucking latrine."


—Wild moments.
—Everyone has bad days.


"That's right, call the police. There isn't any proof. There's nothing that can be proved."


—I'm waiting.
—Another victim.


Let sleeping dogs lie.


"You're not a big guy out here, now, are you?"


—What are you getting out of all this?


"Nothing better to do with your time?"


—On schedule.
—Is this your idea of a social life?


[Start at
the top]


"Mind if I grab one?"


—You're safe.
—It's not for you.


[Someone trying to grab a free newspaper after you've opened the box]


—Get away!


Notice that this attack starts with the word, "You."


"You suck!"


—You're safe.
—Never boring.


And that the following three attacks don't.


"Blow me – It's show business."


—You can't be grown-up.


Don't confuse those separate kinds of attacks.


"Suck my cock!"


—I bet you it's better – Unless you think you're God or something.


"Bend over."


—Get a dog – A dog won't care if you're an asshole.


[Start at
the top]


"Hey! Do you enjoy that? Keep it up and see what happens!"


—A joke!
—Really bombastic!


"Hey! You want me to give you a new face?"


—It's ridiculous.
—From down on the barroom floor.


"You better take care of yourself! You're lucky I don't kick your motherfucking ass!"


—How discouraging.


"Go back to San Francisco, man!"


—Slow gold.


"I don't believe the Holocaust ever happened."


—How discouraging.
—You're not only mixed up, but you're a nincompoop.


"It's not in the New Testament."


—The Bible is in you – You're not in the Bible.


"I think you should apologize."


—Not yet.
—With or without laces?


[Start at
the top]


"Is that the way you apologize?"


—Anything less?
—I apologize to all the shoes.


"If you haven't read that book, I don't see how we can even discuss this."


—Good advice.
—Thank you, brother, for chastising me! It has made my humiliation that much richer.


"If you don't like it, do something about it."


—Good advice.
—Dealings with the generous are not difficult.


"What will your wife be doing while you're gone?"


—Nothing much.
—How, I don't know.


"Are you a virgin?"


—Oh, yeah!
—They lie!


"Are you faithful?"


—Oh, yeah!
—Don't tip anyone off.


"Are you a sports fan?"


—Just normal.
—How about those Giants!


[Start at
the top]


"Are you into cars?"


—Just normal.
—When you live in the caboose, you don't care about getting ahead.


Be very, very careful here.


"You're not a football fan, huh?"


—Further proof.
—I don't want to make any predictions.


Some people are just looking for a fist fight.


"Are you queer?"


—Unheard of.
—I'm a complete stranger – Why would you ask me something like that?


It's good to know just how to walk away.


"Are you gay?"


Keep going! ...
—Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?


"You must be gay."


—Unheard of.
—There may be competition.


[Start at
the top]


"Definitely a faggot."


—Further proof.
—(1.) You bet! ... (2.) Wrong again! ... (3.) Total waste ... (4.) No worse! ... (5.) SCREW THAT!


"So gay!"


—Unheard of.
—(1.) We're safe ... (2.) Try harder! ... (3.) Just unbelievable ... (4.) Something intelligent.


"Are you one of those faggots?"


Keep going! ...
—Creepy enough – Now don't bother me anymore!


"Jane, you ignorant slut!"


—Cash only.


"Eww. Slut!"


—Further proof.
—Oh, yeah. Oh, easy.


"You're a slut."


Keep going! ...
—Let's call it very fast-track.




"He's still a Mama's boy!"


—Be serious.
—Would it do any good?


"Dink is small?"


—By moonlight.
—Maybe you grew one.


"Are you insecure about your cock size?"


—By moonlight.
—Sometimes life is good.


"Size matters."


—By moonlight.
—Look, is it my fault?


[Start at
the top]


"Why be inferior?"


—By moonlight.
—They have to beg for it.


"You may never know what I've done for you."


—What's missing?
—Don't ask and don't count on it is my philosophy of life.




"You probably shouldn't have done it."


—What's missing?
—You may have expected me to know things I couldn't possibly know ... No, no! You have to learn that.


"Steers try; bulls get the job done.''


—What's missing?
—Yeah, I'm really bad; I'm a really bad mother.


"Why isn't this done?" [Micromanager, who's secretly "documenting" you]


—What's missing?
—Every time I think something bad's happened, something good's happened. [See also "Have you just been sitting here doing nothing all day?" at stargate41.htm]


"What's the worst thing you've ever done?"


Nothing more.
—I hurt someone's feelings once.


[Start at
the top]


"Did you ever kill anybody?"


—Be serious.
—That's the million dollar question ... I shot my bank, but I didn't get any money.


"Why are you a faggot?"


—Or vice versa.
—First you have to put up with a little girl.


"These guys are faggots." [Three guys passing two guys on the street]


—It's absurd!
—That wasn't smart.


"Hey, pretty girl!" [From the bum on the corner]


—Or vice versa.
—People aren't garbage!


"That looks like a necklace in our family for two generations."


—Unheard of.
—I doubt it.


"Is that my notebook? I have one just like it."


—Unheard of.
—Get out of there!


"If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen."


—Cash only.
—Everyone's frustrated.


[Start at
the top]


"Clueless! Get a clue."


—Cash only.
—Every ball of string unravels.


"LADIES!" [Men's team]


—Smarten up!
—Real subtle.


"You touched my car — I don't like anyone touching my car."


—They're going to make big cars again.


"You want to fight? – I can settle this in two seconds."


—Some people like them.


"You know, they kill cab drivers!"


—Let's kill all the gringos!


"I'm going to get a real gun." [One angry third-grade boy to another]


—Who knows?
—Maybe it'll change your life.




—Pretty intense.
—I like law and order, too.


[Start at
the top]


"QUIT." [Anonymous E-mail]


—Very strict.
—Live fast, die young, and leave a lousy looking corpse.


[Someone leering at your wife or daughter in your presence]


—It's chilling.
—You have no idea.


"You know, sometimes I think you're a faggot."


—Who, me?
—Did a priest get you when you were seven?


"What are you, a faggot?"


—Who, me?
—There aren't many straight arrows in this world.


"There's only one thing that's important, and that's looking at girls' heinies!"


—It's chilling.
—I'm not exactly a bathroom man, either.


"Let's get one thing straight: You live here because I say you can live here."


—It's chilling.
—Beggars can't be choosers.


[Start at
the top]


"Do you want some candy, little girl?"


—Who, me?
—Just checking out.




—Who, me?
—Drive yourself crazy.


"Hey, you faggot!" [High School students passing in the hall]


—Who, me?
—No charge.




"YOU! – I'm talking to you!"


—It's chilling.
—Strong as a bull and twice as smart.


"Are you talking to my girl?"


—Nothing urgent.
—You're a spinning magnet in the coil of passion.


"I'm talking to you, asshole."


—It's chilling.
—There are so many people now.


[A bully punching you on the shoulder as his posse stands around] "Do you have a problem with that?"


—Who, me?
—It's preposterous.


[Start at
the top]


"Was I talking to you?"


—Nothing urgent.
—What else is there to say?


"Well, I think it is a problem."


—Who, me?
—I'll bet you do!


"What the fuck are you talking about?"


Apparently not.
—You don't want to sell me death sticks. You want to go home and rethink your life.


"You're saying I'm not smart?"


—A joke!
—Every horse has its stall, every pig has its pen, every bird has its nest, and life knows best what is right.


"Jerk me, you faggot."


—Totally different.
—Sad sack seeking sex.




—Like crazy!


[Start at
the top]


"I noticed that."


Clean slate!
—You never know what it's going to do.


"You're a jerk!"


—Like crazy!
—Don't include me.


"You're also a liar!"


—Totally different.
—Maybe it's you.


"You're asking for it!"


—Like crazy!
—What is a mushroom that likes to have a good time? (A fun guy!)


"I'm going to get you, sucker."


Nothing crucial.
—Are you still afraid of monsters?


"I'm speechless."


—Since when?
—All of a sudden.


"You're breaking my heart."


—Since when?
—You and many people.


[Start at
the top]


"I'm going to write you up."


—That's all?
—Just because I was honest one time doesn't mean I'll be honest again.




—Totally destroyed.
—And there'll be a present for you ... after the program.




"See you later!" [Insincerely]


—Nothing better.
—Happy trails!


"I'll be seeing YOU later." [Ominously]


—On schedule.
—You can do whatever you want.




"I'll wait for you outside." [Chocolate bully]


—Sure, boss!
—If you wait that long.


[Someone about to mug you near an alleyway]


—Sure, boss!