Name Calling

Insults

Comebacks

"You ride in the front – You're the biggest."

—Big family!
—Okay, I will.

"You're so fat! Fatty, fat, fat!" [One five-year-old boy to another]

—Stick around.
—In front of the opera! ... All at once! ... Just like in the old country! ... Better to start off bad and end up good than start off good and end up bad! ... A little bit of everything! ... It's easy to be beautiful because it's natural.

"Damn, fat ass, lose some weight."

—Big family!
—Seven fat years, seven lean years ... You can't get too worked up about it ... Don't tease doggies and don't tease anyone bigger than you ... It's better to have different kinds of people ... "Shallow people are the only ones who truly know themselves." (–Oscar Wilde)

"You're getting a little fat."

—Stick around.
—That is not necessarily bad.

"You don't sweat much for a fat lady."

—Big family!
—If you're big, you don't have to be mean.

"Putting on a little weight there, huh?"

—Big family!
—Will you get in touch with your humanity?

"You have a freak flag – You just don't fly it."

—You're safe.
—I'm sure I don't need it.

[Start at
the top]

"Don't be a fool!"

—You're safe.
—You're lucky you don't have to deal with people like that.

"You must / obviously / clearly have low self-esteem."

—You sure?
—You hang it in your office.

"I'd love to give you some advice in return, but they don't have clubs for ugly losers with small dicks!"

—Clean slate!
—They don't have turtles anymore?

"You're not a football fan, huh?"

—Further proof.
—I don't want to make any predictions.

"Are you queer?"

—Unheard of.
—I'm a complete stranger – Why would you ask me something like that?

"Are you gay?"

—Keep going! ...
—Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?

"You must be gay."

—Unheard of.
—There may be competition.

[Start at
the top]

"Definitely a faggot."

—Further proof.
—(1.) You bet! ... (2.) Wrong again! ... (3.) Total waste ... (4.) No worse! ... (5.) SCREW THAT!

"So gay!"

—Unheard of.
—(1.) We're safe ... (2.) Try harder! ... (3.) Just unbelievable ... (4.) Something intelligent.

"Are you one of those faggots?"

—Keep going! ...
—Creepy enough – Now don't bother me anymore!

"Jane, you ignorant slut!"

—Cash only.
—Peanuts.

"Eww. Slut!"

—Further proof.
—Oh, yeah. Oh, easy.

"You're a slut."

—Keep going! ...
—Let's call it very fast-track.

"Faggot!"

—Who, me?
—Drive yourself crazy.

"Hey, you faggot!" [High School students passing in the hall]

—Who, me?
—No charge.

[Start at
the top]

"What are you, a faggot?"

—Who, me?
—There aren't many straight arrows in this world.

"Know-it-all."

—Slow gold.
—Another racket.

"Smart aleck, smarty-pants!"

—How discouraging.
—I'm surprised it's legal.

[Someone leering at your wife or daughter in your presence]

—It's chilling.
—You have no idea.

"There's only one thing that's important, and that's looking at girls' heinies!"

—It's chilling.
—I'm not exactly a bathroom man, either.

"FUCK-FACE!"

—Big family!
—Just to make money, huh?

"You're a wage slave."

—It's chilling.
—I'm in for it.

"Do you want some candy, little girl?"

—Who, me?
—Just checking out.

[Start at
the top]

"I was just being friendly."

—Slow gold.
—Very loyal.

"Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?"

—It's absurd!
—Not completely.

"These guys are faggots." [Three guys passing two guys on the street]

—It's absurd!
—That wasn't smart.

"You don't have any diseases, do you?"

—Big family!
—I'm riddled with diseases.

"What's it like to be gay?"

—The alliance.
—I'm not gay – I'm morose.

"Let's go, asshole."

—Big family!
—Get thee behind me, Diarrhea!

"How are you doing, sweetie?"

—As if.
—Too young!

"What's up, babe?"

—As if.
—I'm too young to be your babe!

[Start at
the top]

"I have a question for you – Do you spell loser with one O or two O's?"

—How amusing.
—Find one.

"So you still haven't found a man who will marry you. What are you – a lesbian?"

—As if.
—I'm dangerous Dan McGrew.

"If you really wanted to lose weight, you wouldn't eat so much."

—Totally demanding.
—Pleasure is good for the soul.

"I see, you're a coffee fiend!"

—Too soon.
—There's a being inside that needs nourishment – so you nourish it!

"You're going to die soon with that diet, you know that."

—Too soon.
—Of all the things in the universe, death is one of the nicer things.

"Are you still on a diet?"

—Too soon.
—I know you don't like it, but this is the way I am.

[Start at
the top]

"Eat tiny portions and NEVER go back for seconds."

—You're strong.
—It's good when I break my diet.

"You've got fat thighs."

—Big family!
—Probably the only one in town.

"You look like you gained weight."

—Oh, really?
—Give me some slack.

"You're fat and ugly, and always will be."

—Not recently.
—What good is running if you're on the wrong road?

"You're just like me – You need to push away from the table a little bit sooner."

—Not today.
—Have a little compassion.

"You know, the reason I'm so thin is that I would never eat a whole box of cookies."

—You're strong.
—Don't cheat yourself.

"Jane, are you trying to look unattractive?"

—It's devastating.
—Read, The Dwarf. (1945, Par Lagerkvist)

"You look pretty good for a fat guy."

—Big family!
—Have you ever heard the expression, "Fat, dumb and happy?"

[Start at
the top]

"That cut just isn't meant for a full-figured gal like you."

—Too soon.
—You're starving, yourself.

"You don't need to be drinking every night – You don't need those calories."

—It's devastating.
—You tried it twice — Try something else.

"I'm sorry – that dress doesn't come in larger sizes."

—It's devastating.
—Well, everybody's got something good about them.

"My ass is big, but yours just has to dominate Holland."

—You're strong.
—It's really criminal to treat your body as a friend.

"Hey, you're fat!"

—Big family!
—Some people would say that.

"Look, Elephant Girl, just get Carol or something."

—Big family!
—Be seeing you!

"You're so literal-minded."

—Just so!
—Don't tell me about a bicycle in the basement of the Alamo.

[Start at
the top]

"Don't be so stubborn."

—Just normal.
—I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

"You copycat!"

—You wonder.
—Just like you.

"I know you are, but what am I?"

—Nowhere near.
—No mystery.

"You're delusional."

—Very clever.
—You're repressed.

"You're paranoid."

—Very clever.
—You're projecting.

"You're psychotic."

—Holy Cow!
—Who told you to feel bad?

"You're sadistic."

—It's inconceivable.
—With a cactus on my shoulder, topless, walking down the hill, like a Tuscan.

"You're incompetent."

—Very clever.
—That's very hurtful – You just might be lucky.

[Start at
the top]

"You're not my therapist."

—Well said.
—I don't have a beak.

"You're a jerk!"

—Like crazy!
—Don't include me.

"You're also a liar!"

—Totally different.
—Maybe it's you.

"That's pathetic."

—Next time!
—It's a vicious culture – Anyone who is at all different is just smashed.

"Pussy!"

—God forbid!
—I think that's what you're missing.

"Dumb-ass!"

—How come?
—That's as cheap as you can get?

""You're such a worry wart!""

—Oh, really?
—It's part of the mystique.

"He studies too much! – You're a study wart!"

—Oh, really?
—I'll look at it later.

[Start at
the top]

"You're an arrogant little piss."

—Oh, really?
—When you have to be brave when you're little.

"I'd advise you to mind your manners – You're in the big water now."

—Oh, really?
—Now I think school is out.

"Bitch!" [Under the breath, walking by]

—Worse!
—Gone! — Jokes are like that.

"You bitch! You won't be in tomorrow." [Robot parodying voice]

—Smarten up!
—It's hysterical – Someone should make a movie of that – Very vindictive – So it's getting dumber and dumber, in other words – Even you must understand that that's the limit.

"He's getting to be a real bitch."

—Smarten up!
—At least someone's got a brain in their head – George Carlin says, Think how stupid the average person is, and realize, half of them are stupider than that!

"Why are you such a little bitch?"

—Worse!
—For fun!

[Start at
the top]

"You bitch."

—Worse!
—I like to see someone getting away with murder.

["I won't be in tomorrow."] "Bitch!"

—That's impressive.
—That's it! The bar is closed ... A real heavy-hitter.

"Richard's dog is a little white bitch." [It's a male dog, for one thing – Also, it's smart enough to know when something's a ...]

—Worse!
—You heard it here first.

"What a bitch!"

—Worse!
—Camel, donkey, star and all!

"What are you calling me?"

—It's impossible.
—Like an unfed baby.

"And who are you calling ignorant?"

—Really tough.
—We don't know – It's all speculation.

"Are you calling me a liar?"

—Really tough.
—The answer's, no!

"Well then, are you calling me a jerk?"

—Really tough.
—If that's so, let me think about it.

[Start at
the top]

"JERK!"

—Like crazy!
—IT'S WORTH IT!

"Erik, you're the jerk of all time."

—Far superior.
—That's the most dangerous thing on earth – someone who doesn't know what they're doing.

"You're so scandalous."

—Very unique.
—Not half naked, half dressed!

"Cunt!"

—You're strong.
—What do you mean, get all the air out of your brain?

"You're a loser."

—MANY TIMES!
—Part of one big machine.

"Geek!"

—Who knows?
—I don't care what you say.

"You whore!"

—You're strong.
—It's hard to tell, huh?

"He called you a whore!"

—It's devastating.
—How does it feel to be the healthiest person in your family?

[Start at
the top]

"I think you're a fucking loser."

—Totally different.
—I'm talking to you, aren't I?

"You're stuck."

—Like crazy!
—You don't have to be.

"Sucker!"

—Totally destroyed.
—And there'll be a present for you ... after the program.

"Vain Berkeley weirdo."

—Total waste.
—In a way it's a blessing.

"You're vain!"

—Spare me!
—By whose authority?

"You're barren!"

—Spare me!
—Oh, there's so many fish in the sea.

"You're a bad girl."

—It's chilling.
—I wouldn't say that.

"Put a lid on it, Bozo."

—Slow gold.
—Bozo makes people laugh.

[Start at
the top]

"You are a genius!"

—What's up?
—It'll turn around.

"Thank you, Rufus!"

—It's magic.
—That's easy.

"Cry baby! Cry to somebody else, not me!"

—Aw, shucks!
—That was a cold cry.

"Baby! Baby! You are a baby!"

—THAT'S NOTHING!
—So oppressive.

"That's for milquetoasts." [Salesman describing the new BMW M3]

—How delicate.
—I'll have to remember that one.

"Such a wimp."

—How delicate.
—Don't be too sure.

"You imbecile!"

—Not recently.
—What are you trying to prove? – that you passed fourth grade?

"Fake! That is so fake!"

—Well, anyway.
—I'm not as sensitive as you.

[Start at
the top]

"Hey, look at the freak!"

—Go on!
—A singing nerve!

"What a freak."

—Oh, yeah!
—Starved for affection.

"You're good!"

—Oh, fine!
—Words don't say anything.

"Last word freak!"

—God forbid!
—Beware of blondes with blue eyes and sharp tongues.

"You're as dumb as you look."

—I'm sure.
—I'm a bad influence, right?

"You ta-ta! You're not Sam!" [From a four-year-old playmate]

—Think so?
—You wish!

[Start at
the top]

"Le' poo poo on you Andee. Big globs of poo poo for you you. Mmmm. Poo poo. You like poo poo. Taxi1010!!! Poo poo! Woo hoo!"

—Totally unhelpful.
—Just get a scoop.

"That's right – Be a little twerp!"

—But why?
—Think about it.